Dave Schilling

As someone sitting comfortably on the other side of the matrimonial divide, I can tell you it’s worth it. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that I recommend marriage to all of you kids out there.

Maybe that generic quality is exactly what makes other people love her (and hate her.) To me, it just makes me shrug.

You received an email from your boss at 6:02 PM (two whole minutes after you’ve left for the day) with the subject line “Important Meeting Tomorrow.” The body of the email reads, “Please join me for an important meeting at 9:30 AM tomorrow.”

You have to learn to live with the fact that you are in the demographic for Tyler Perry movies.

If it’s not the “most insane night of your life,” then it’s a massive failure that can only be corrected if you are unlucky enough to have to get married more than once.

“My mom has some wardrobe suggestions for you.”

Think about all the money you’ll save!

Don’t spend a bunch of time taking pictures. New York isn’t going anywhere, plus you’re not going to reinvent the selfie in the next few days, so take one or two, and move on.

Physical touch is important, even if it’s non-sexual. The closer you literally are to your spouse, the closer you’ll feel.

How does one function when the responsible adult in the relationship takes off for a week? I’m so glad you asked!

The bills you haven’t paid can wait. You’re busy making your bed.

Did I mention that this BBQ is going to have exclusively messy foods? Hamburgers, seven-layer dip, potato salad, tacos, hot dogs, pie, ice cream, those little tiny cocktail wieners on the toothpicks. You’re screwed.