Dave Schilling

As someone sitting comfortably on the other side of the matrimonial divide, I can tell you it’s worth it. In fact, I’d go as far as to say that I recommend marriage to all of you kids out there.

Maybe that generic quality is exactly what makes other people love her (and hate her.) To me, it just makes me shrug.

You received an email from your boss at 6:02 PM (two whole minutes after you’ve left for the day) with the subject line “Important Meeting Tomorrow.” The body of the email reads, “Please join me for an important meeting at 9:30 AM tomorrow.”

You have to learn to live with the fact that you are in the demographic for Tyler Perry movies.

If it’s not the “most insane night of your life,” then it’s a massive failure that can only be corrected if you are unlucky enough to have to get married more than once.

“My mom has some wardrobe suggestions for you.”

Think about all the money you’ll save!

Don’t spend a bunch of time taking pictures. New York isn’t going anywhere, plus you’re not going to reinvent the selfie in the next few days, so take one or two, and move on.

Physical touch is important, even if it’s non-sexual. The closer you literally are to your spouse, the closer you’ll feel.

How does one function when the responsible adult in the relationship takes off for a week? I’m so glad you asked!

The bills you haven’t paid can wait. You’re busy making your bed.

Did I mention that this BBQ is going to have exclusively messy foods? Hamburgers, seven-layer dip, potato salad, tacos, hot dogs, pie, ice cream, those little tiny cocktail wieners on the toothpicks. You’re screwed.

In a perfect world, either writers would all stop writing clickbait, or readers would all stop reading it. This perfect world is a delightful fantasy, because the system is too complicated for our puny human brains to comprehend.

He wants to hang! He wants to chill! Remember when your dad was the cool dad that snuck you a sip of beer on Fourth of July? He’s still that cool dude.

No one will ever love you if you don’t respect them and their wishes. If they don’t want you, they don’t want you. Rejection is actually the best thing that can happen to you, if you can believe that.

So you’ve decided to commit to a single person, and are trying to survive the never-ending temptation of “the other.” A wise choice, young reader, but one fraught with danger. If this is your first time in an adult relationship, then you have no idea how complicated it can get.

“Who are you texting?” “Why can’t I check your Facebook messages?” “Who’s Lindsay and why is she always tweeting at you?” We’re sharing more and more of ourselves, yet we all still expect to be able to squirrel away our secrets.

Without a stranger telling you that you suck occasionally, there’s no check on the narcissism that is inherent in the act of expression. We actually need the trolls.