25 Terrible New Year’s Resolutions I’m Making, And So Can You

1. Take steps to quit procrastinating, starting this Friday or next week at the latest.

2. Make positive affirmations such as, “I’m positive today will be lousy.”

3. Stop gambling. I’ll bet you 20 bucks I can do it!

4. Tell my boss where he can stick it! (When he asks me on what section of the memo board to put the Post-it note, that is.)

5. Clean up my damn mouth and knock off the swearing and shit.

6. Exercise! First thing tomorrow I’ll exercise my right to be a binge-watching couch potato.

7. Quit using Facebook as an inappropriate forum for my extreme political views. Instead, I’ll post my extreme religious views.

8. Ask my wife if it’s okay for me to be more assertive.

9. Eat less junk food. Sorry, that was a typo. Supposed to be “read less junk mail.”

10. Tackle some of the things on my bucket list. Number one: write a bucket list.

11. Be more open-minded to others people’s stupid opinions.

12. Get booze free. I’m serious. Alcohol is expensive and I need to find a way to get it for free.

13. Lower my bills. Moving them to the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet should do the trick.

14. Send $100 to that website that offers to protect you from internet scams.

15. Get off my dead ass! From now on, I’ll take all my naps while lying on my stomach.

16. NO MORE TYPING IN ALL CAPS WITH EXCESSIVE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

17. Contribute some time to local charities by donating my old alarm clock to Goodwill.

18. Quit sounding totally wack with my use of outdated slang. Fo’ shizzle.

19. Do a better job of proofreading my my work and be sure to use speelcheaker.

20. Make small changes to simply my life. For example: program my phone so that instead of having to dial 911, I can just hit *26.

21. Apologize to my friends for saying “I’m sorry” all the time.

22. Start skipping to gym. Start skipping rope at gym. Start skipping gym.

23. Get more rest. Sleeping through all those boring work meetings will help.

24. Keep a journal. In fact, I’ll keep it right in my closet and forget about it all year.

25. Don’t quit and never give up! That’s why I won’t quit smoking or give up the drinking.