The I’ll Only Hang Out If You’ll Bang Out Guy.

What he’s looking for is pretty obvious. I’ll give you a hint: it’s not the story about why you moved out here. It’s your ass. This guy is pretty typical in most cities. The difference is, in other towns he’s considered an asshole. In L.A. he’s considered the standard. You’re not willing to get down and dirty after just meeting him two hours ago? That’s fine; there are a bevy of other hot models and actresses that found his grunts of conversation gripping, and are more than willing to spend three and a half magical minutes with him. Sure he’ll never call you again, but that’s all right, people in L.A. are used to not getting call-backs. So you auditioned for the part of Girlfriend and got stuck with Slut #3- hey, it’s still a part.

The Biz Guy.

Of course, since it is tinsel town, you can occasionally run into people that are actually bigwigs in “the biz.” But, more often than not, the guys that claim to be a part of the industry are, technically speaking, complete and total liars. Here’s a little translation of Angelino to English: “I’m a screenplay writer. Yeah, I’m this close to getting Zac Efron to sign on for the lead.” Translation: “Four years ago I once wrote a few lines of dialogue for this sci-fi/action/romantic/drama set on the moon. Also, I just finished watching High School Musical.”

The Name Dropper.

This is one of the most common kinds of men you’ll meet in L.A. This guy leaves dents in the floor he drops names so hard. You just saw a movie? That’s great, this guy totally knows the director’s son. Oh, you like that song? He knows the guy that produced it. You’re eating a sandwich? He’s best friends with the dude that invented bread. Just like The Biz Guy, he is probably full of shit. Still, it doesn’t really matter whether or not he’s telling the truth; spend more than 20 minutes with this guy and you’ll barely be able to keep yourself from saying, “Wow. Congratulations on meeting another human being. That must have been really exciting, given that you were clearly raised by wolves.”

The Following My Dreams Guy.

Now, perhaps you’ll say I’m being too harsh; that everyone deserves a shot at abandoning the traditional social custom of getting a job and following their dreams. I agree. It’s certainly never too late to go after what you truly want. Problem is, this guy isn’t exactly going after it. He’s sitting on his couch, playing Madden and pretending to be an actor. In fact, when he approaches you at the bar and tells you all about his “career,” it’s likely that that is the longest acting role he’s had all year. This guy isn’t running out to auditions every day and practicing his craft. He’s hiding behind the guise of “following his dream” so that he can really just do nothing. This applies to all forms of “the dream”: actor, writer, agent and especially musician. He’s been playing the bongos in that alternative indie band (that actively shushes you when you talk during their set) on and off for seven years, and the only record to his name is the record for most Cheez-Its eaten in one sitting. Beware of this guy. He is usually extremely good-looking and charming (hence his initial draw to acting or singing) but he is the most deadly. This guy can get away with murder. Resist his manly charms or you’ll be footing the bill for his latest headshots and pizza deliveries.

The I’ll Totally Be There Guy.

Simply put, he won’t be there. He’s stringing you a long and answering your texts five hours after you send them. He’s not busy or eccentrically trying to be “off the grid.” He’s being a douche. They should really hand out Head & Shoulders at the city border for how flaky people are here. But, that’s just the way that it is. It’s social anarchy.

This is but a mere sample of the numerous types of L.A. lawbreakers. Every day you’re bound to meet a new an exciting variation. Unfortunately these guys get off scot-free, without serving any time for their bad behavior. People that live outside of the mayhem of Los Angeles think I’m exaggerating. They tell me to “stay open minded” about dating. This is a luxury Angelinos can’t afford. The inmates are loose and you can’t ever be off your guard.