If ‘Real Housewives of Orange County’ Were Scripted: “The D-Word”

It’s a beautiful day on the fringes of Orange County where HEATHER visits TAMRA in her Hooverville shantytown. Just comment on the color. Say something about the color. HEATHER chants to herself so she doesn’t blurt out, “How do you live in this lean-to?” She pulls off her visit to TAMRA’s humble abode gracefully and moves quickly to her marital problems and how annoying GRETCHEN and SLADE were at her Hot In Cleveland filming. Is a rift bubbling between TAMRA and GRETCHEN? Only time will tell…

While TAMRA and HEATHER sip on vino, a barrista at a Laguna coffee shop steeps a chamomile tea for the most annoying customer she’s ever served. It doesn’t matter that ALEXIS said “thank you;” the way she said “banana” was like rubbing a cheese grater against my soul. LYDIA joins ALEXIS to talk about the other ladies and how they still hate ALEXIS but blah blah blah perhaps it’s the light and how the shadows fall on her face, but something is going on with ALEXIS’s face. She’s definitely had some more work done since last episode and her face is metamorphosing into something bloated, reddened, and–HOLY CHRIST it’s finally clear: she’s electing to turn herself into JIM because JIM is God and God wants his wife-slave to be in his own image. Amen. Let’s go jump on trampolines!

Oy. And now BROOKS’ “home.” It’s like an I Love Lucy episode in a parallel universe I do not want to live in. VICKI opens the door, hangs her hat on the coat rack and BROOKS hops down the stairs, “Honey, you’re home!” If I had a really rich grandparent, I would bet my inheritance that the real person who lives in this house is locked in the closet courtesy of the Mississippi Gentlmen, BROOKS. Before filming VICKI warned “You better have a fucking house we can shoot a god damn lunch scene at and you better pretend you weren’t just napping when you walk down the stairs.” BROOKS succeeded in completing the former, but not the latter. He gave his cover away with the all too obvious, “NO ME DRINKY TODAY BECAUSE IT’S WORKY TIME!!!!!” BROOKS knows words!

In a home they actually live in, LYDIA heats some soup for her husband who, unbeknownst to her, has actually become a vessel for LYDIA’s mother’s pot smoke ghost (think Game of Throne’s Melisandre smoke monster). “I really want my mom to stop smoking pot.” Lydia confides in her husband. “You’re crying because your mom smokes pot? Pot is super chill. Who cares?” says the smoke beast. “Oh. Ok!” says LYDIA. Later, her mom comes over high and they make some lasssagggnnaaaa.

VASECTOMY SLADE and GRETCHEN go to the OBGYN to see if she’s fertile. After pointing at the ultrasound wand thingy and asking “is that thing going in me” like someone who needs to sexualize everything, we learn that GRETCHEN is totes ready to procreate. BUT, VASECTOMY SLADE’s little vasectomy sitch makes things a little complicated and basically GRETCHEN’s best option is IVF. God help us all if she has octuplets and gets a spin off called My Vagina is Huge!

HEATHER and TERRY head out on the town to mend their recent riff, but before leaving home, HEATHER denies her daughter point blank for a request “Mommy can I have potato chips?” asks HEATHER’s little daughter. “NO!” barked HEATHER.  I felt personally attacked by this… like I was reliving something terrible from my own childho–

–Break for potato chips–

At the restaurant, a musical theater student brings the COUPLE DUBROW to their table, they order some D-words and discuss the other D-word. TERRY apologizes for bringing up the D-word and says he would rather D-word than ever D-word. And then TERRY pulls out a really sweet C-word and it’s kinda super S-word and I may have T-worded up a little along with HEATHER.

Continuing with the theme of mending broken things, TAMRA meets with a shaven JAMES LIPTON to help her prepare a speech for thousands of women at the women’s expo. At the expo, to about twenty women in tie dye shirts including her mother who blends right in, TAMRA gives a very personal speech about sex, suicide, and the D-word and how it’s important to remember, that strong is the new skinny (but you still want to be skinny). TAMRA’s mom is surprised by the content of her daughter’s speech and apologizes for never telling TAMRA she loved her growing up. TAMRA then asks her mom if she can have some potato chips and her mom is like: “NO!”

And did next week’s sneak peak imply that VICKI is possibly a L-word?