If The Real Housewives Of The OC Were Scripted: “Evil Eyes and Evil Faces”

Sometimes I’m so entertained by The Real Housewives that I like to pretend somebody actually scripted the entire show. This is what the treatment for last night’s episode would look like:

We return to the second episode of the season with tension at a simmer between TAMRA and VICKI, VICKI and her plastic surgery, and HEATHER and her Judaism. At the poor man’s Villa Rosa that is HEATHER’s home, the clam bake from last episode continues as GRETCHEN tastes a clam for the first time and TERRY still complains about onion rings. When will he learn that plastic surgeon breadwinners should be seen and not heard? Oy vey, Husbands!

Backs turned from VICKI, TAMRA and GRETCHEN act like they’re not getting yearly vaginal rejuvenations as they criticize VICKI for cutting up her face and forgetting to announce to the party “I’ve injected my under eyes with cow buttocks!” What they should have been kvetching about were VICKI’s bangs, or as a National Geographic audience would view them: atrocities only humans can put on Earth.

Relaxed on the wings of wine and spirits, VICKI and TAMRA finally get down to the emotionally nitty gritty. They come to consensus that TAMRA left VICKI out of her new friendship with GRETCHEN making an already vulnerable VICKI feel abandoned and jealous. TAMRA was a terrible friend. VICKI was there for TAMRA when she got a divorce, and when VICKI needed it reciprocated, TAM dropped the ball.

Instead of facing the music, TAMRA rushes from the dinner table to have a solo cry and be consoled by the “Jewish Marry Poppins.” HEATHER’s purse did always seem to be holding an endless supply of items, but, in a Jewish kind of way.

On the other side of town, ALEXIS dances the salsa and jumps on trampolines with her spirit guide, JIM. See, JIM has some money because of trampolines so now he smiles sometimes. He also somehow convinced his wife that “foreclosure” is a positive thing and that she can read.

Back at the dinner party ALEXIS and her cult leader weren’t invited to, the guests head into the Rec Room, or as lay people call it, a fancy basement. VICKI and TAM cry in the wine cellar and we learn that HEATHER’s caterer is playing them for fools by purchasing Costco cookies which he claims he bakes fresh.

FINALLY we get to see Father of the Year SLADE actually employed by someone who’s not GRETCHEN. He’s working as a radio host, the perfect job for a narcissist. That doesn’t mean that all radio hosts are narcissists, it means that someone who believes they’re interesting enough to host a show by just talking about themselves, even when they’re not, would have a great time doing that job. Hey! SLADE’s ex-wife? Grab that mic with his name on it, drop it in a bag and label it Exhibit 1. Now he’ll have to pay child support.

The episode ends with TAMRA talking to EDDIE about whether or not she should befriend VICKI again…but more importantly we get a sneak peak of the new OC Housewife who looks like she could be an America’s Next Top Model runner-up. Like the best of hall-of-famers of crazies she claims she “tells it like it is!”

When will Housewives learn what that really means?