If The Real Housewives Of Orange County Were Scripted: “Making Up Is Hard To Do”

Sometimes I’m so entertained by The Real Housewives of Orange County that I like to pretend somebody actually scripted the entire show. This is what the treatment for last night’s episode would look like:

We begin with the pill that’s hardest to swallow, ALEXIS. She’s meeting VICKI’s new grandbaby and reminds us with each step she takes in that hot pink maxi that she’s probably not wearing underwear. As the ladies chomp on store bought salads we learn that BRIANA pays her mother rent to live in the house and that VICKI is continuing to mislead people on her relationship with BROOKS, a man most people in her life hate.

At a strip mall across town, HEATHER visits her husband at his nationally recognized medical center—his other colleagues’ names are conveniently cast in the shadow of a wilting palm tree. HEATHER foreshadows a possible breast implant storyline and uncharacteristically seeks permission from her husband to feature their home in a non-cover story in Beverly Hills Lifestyle. Oh, which by the way introduces us to the newest wackiet wackjob, LYDIA.

LYDIA drops by HEATHER’s inside of a giant kiln to touch base over the possible magazine shoot. See, LYDIA and her husband both came from money so now they run a fake magazine. Unfortunately, LYDIA upsets the balance immediately by forcing a hug on HEATHER who follows a strict Jewish Mary Poppins moral code. That code stands on two major tenants: 1. No hugging when initially meeting, and 2. Only doing magazine shoots for the cover story because it “does more” for the Dubrow brand…which is what? HEATHER seemed to forget about her moral code, however, when she did not hold back from shit talking ALEXIS. BTW, CASEY, if you’re so fabulous, SHOW YOUR FACE!

We leave HEATHER’s mass of concrete to glimpse inside LYDIA’s life. It’s unclear whether she has a curious case of Benjamin Button or is actually only sixteen, but hopefully the truth will prevail. She has two boys and a husband who’s tan and does pull ups on those things above doors that generally if anybody has, never uses. He drives a boat to dinner and, get this, the two met at a Jesus group. This is going to be great.

Another night, another dinner in a strip mall! VICKI and TAMTAM meet at Hanna’s to discuss their friendship, eat fish (served very quickly!), and play the blame game. TAMRA does not get how bad a person she is and VICKI also does not understand how bad a person BROOKS is. Life was so much more fun when these ladies were best friends.

D story lines in this episode include VICKI and BRIANA inserting business cards into folders, GRETCHEN shopping at a baby store, and HEATHER and family going to synagogue for the holiest day of the year. The temple was surprising not in a strip mall. Oh yeah, and TAMRA opening a gym and planning a party in an empty warehouse. But we’ll have to wait for next to week to see what goes down in the empty warehouse dinner party.

The abundance of strip malls has finally made it  clear that Orange County is to Beverly Hills what New Jersey is to New York. That said, the OC ladies better start acting batshit crazy.