If The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Were Scripted: “Finale, Or, Even Rich People Can Get Lyme Disease”

(Before we dive into things, my mom has requested that I correct some wrong information. In a previous recap I said that Marisa Zanuck’s father had died and that her mother wanted to sell their house. They were actually her in-laws. Sorry, Mom.

Anyways, here we go.)

The sun slowly sinks into the hills serving as a backdrop for VANDERPUMP’s housewarming/vow-renewal party just as it will on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 3. Mends are made. YOLOLO’s master greets his ex-wife, MAURICIO makes fewer homophobic remarks toward KEVIN LEE, and…wait a minute. That’s not a tree. That’s FAYE RESNICK.

We jump right back into the FAYE vs. YOLOLO and BRANDI tiff that happened last episode or, as I like to spin BRANDI’s confessional, the time FAYE put her non-proverbial dick on the table. That means that FAYE literally put her dick on the table. Honk if you h8 FAYE! MARISA comes back and suddenly wins back our love by simply admitting, “Yeah, I know you’re right.” How cool is that? Suddenly her braids look less stupid and she just seem kinda funny, almost as funny as BRANDI who could easily have lied and said the hall pass text was a joke, but was just like “Nope, that was my advice.” Ten points for Branffindor (Gryffindor + BRANDI…work with me people…).

TAYLOR ARMSTRONG settles her season’s story arc, which is not her possible alcoholism or falling in love with her married lawyer and forgetting about her child, but an imagined conflict in her own mind. Apparently she’s been struggling the entire season with befriending YOLOLO and her lemons since she is good friends with YOLOLO’s MUSIC MAN’s ex-wife, LINDA.

The history between the MUSIC MAN and LINDA goes like this: About twenty years ago, LINDA made a comment to MUSIC MAN that she “rotated her jewelry instead of her tires.” MUSIC MAN laughed because he loved her. This made LINDA repeat the bit again and again for the next twenty years until finally MUSIC MAN had had enough. “That metaphor makes absolutely no sense!” he roared. He gave her the choice: either him or the joke. She chose the latter. Heartbroken and confused, MUSIC MAN vowed that if he were to ever marry again it would be only to a goddess who emerges from a lemon orchard without the capacity to string together the words “jewelry” “rotate” or “tires.”

And suddenly, whispers from a corner we’ve overlooked. FAYE accuses VANDERPUMP of using BRANDI as a mouthpiece. Does FAYE not realize she’s a herpes-covered mouthpiece for KYLE? But guess who will not have these sour lemons? YOLOLO. She breaks it down for FAYE calling her out as a hypocrite and tree person.

This becomes so terribly boring for FAYE that she’s just so bored she can’t argue anymore because she’s just so bored and she doesn’t “even know” BRANDI and she’s bored and it’s “so not true” that she’s “obsessed” with BRANDI but in her eyes we see the truth. Her eyes are pleading with BRANDI to run away with her! Come be free! Be my little tree person! And finally she realizes that BRANDI will never be hers because this world is terrible and empty of light. So she walks away, brushing her breast against BRANDI’s buttery skin, glimpsing for an ephemeral moment what it would feel like if she could hold BRANDI and say to her what she’s been meaning to say this whole time, “I love you. None of us is an island.”

But really none of this matters because KIM SR. RICHARDS goes absolutely nutz. She’s been holding it in this entire season and now, while KYLE is trying to impress a random man by explaining her Theory of Relatively regarding BRANDI, FAYE, and ADRIENNE, KIM SR. gets explosively offended. See, KIM SR. is overwhelmingly hurt that KYLE would—never mind. This one’s way too irrational to explain. Yes, with Housewives, logic goes out the window, but this defies even that. It’s like KIM SR. fell into a deep waking slumber while mixing her ginormous bowl of chicken salad and just woke up, forgetting everything that happened in the rest of the season.

But that’s doesn’t really matter because something even crazier happens. Recently separated—as in announced their divorce that day — MALOOF, dressed up for a Saturday Night Fever party and not for an “I’m getting divorced lay low with my children night,” decides to show up to VANDERPUMP’s party, not say “hello” to the hostess or thank her for letting her wipe her spray tan on the couch, and holds court with the RICHARDS. They all cry, especially Tony Award Winning actress KYLE RICHARDS. She weeeeeeeeps for her dear friend who in the reunion show claims is not her good friend. What an actress! Encore!

But MALOOF’s not really here to see her friends and YOLOLO sees through it. These lemons smell rotten and publicity driven. Gross. Grosser than MALOOF’s spray tan at the White Party, but not as gross as MAURICIO sucking up to her because, we learn, he’s getting the listing for her Transion (trashy mansion).

And now, we interrupt this program for a lesson in California Divorce Law. TAYLOR ARMSTRONG will be your teacher. Although she didn’t know her Hermès bags were fake, she has mastered complicated state divorce law and all of its permutations. Divorce advice of the week? Get out before ten years like ADRIENNE if you want to keep your money away from tree people, like PAUL.

After all the histrionic hoopla, VANDERPUMP, with the support of BRANDI, finally renews her vows in a beautiful ceremony. It’s a lovely moment with the GIGGY cherry on top of it all. TAYLOR closes the night with her mandatory “look how big my mouth is” bite of cake and the ladies dance the night away!

The sun has set on VANDERPUMP’s party and this season. And what a peculiar season it’s been, filled with dark forces, magic tree forests, and getting served. As the “what they’re up to now” cards come across the screen, we learn that poor YOLOLO’s suffered from Lyme disease and that the MALOOFS have moved on from each other and onto unassuming children. Goodbye Beverly Hills, ladies! Thank you for willingly being our dancing monkeys for the last few months.

But none of that really matters, because WTF is a celebrity diving show?

See you in Orange County.