Dara Katz
Articles by
Dara Katz
If The Real Housewives of Orange County Were Scripted “The Evil Plan”
We return to Mexico where the plastic penises reign. But wait, VICKI brings a huge plastic penis gift and the ladies react to it like it’s the most offensive thing they’ve ever seen. Are not all plastic penises created equally? Apparently not.
If ‘Real Housewives of Orange County’ Were Scripted: “The D-Word”
At the restaurant, a musical theater student brings the COUPLE DUBROW to their table, they order some D-words and discuss the other D-word. TERRY apologizes for bringing up the D-word and says he would rather D-word than ever D-word.
If ‘The Real Housewives of Orange County’ Were Scripted: “Brooks is Back! And He’s Hungry!”
We begin where every great story should start: brunch.
If ‘Real Housewives Of Orange County’ Was Scripted: “The Party is Over!”
“Xanax?! Ha! We’re all on Xanax, who cares?!” shouts all the Housewives’ inner dialogue. VICKI, LYDIA, and ALEXIS take off, and TAMRA and her posse “BLESS THIS FUCKING BUILDING.”
If ‘The Real Housewives Of Orange County’ Were Scripted: “The Salvation Of Alexis Bellino”
Lines have been drawn. The friends who the ladies choose to pre-game with will become the blood-sisters they will draw swords to protect. One clan is led by the New God called “Jesus.”
If The Real Housewives Of Orange County Were Scripted: “Making Up Is Hard To Do”
LYDIA drops by HEATHER’s inside of a giant kiln to touch base over the possible magazine shoot. See, LYDIA and her husband both came from money so now they run a fake magazine.
If The Real Housewives Of The OC Were Scripted: “Evil Eyes and Evil Faces”
Instead of facing the music, TAMRA rushes from the dinner table to have a solo cry and be consoled by the “Jewish Marry Poppins.” HEATHER’s purse did always seem to be holding an endless supply of items, but, in a Jewish kind of way.
If The Real Housewives Of Orange County Were Scripted: “Bullies and Babies”
Sometimes I’m so entertained by The Real Housewivess that I like to pretend somebody actually scripted the entire show. This is what the treatment for last night’s episode would look like:
If The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Were Scripted: “Finale, Or, Even Rich People Can Get Lyme Disease”
MALOOF, dressed up for a ‘Saturday Night Fever’ party and not for an “I’m getting divorced lay low with my children night,” decides to show up to VANDERPUMP’s party.
If The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Were Scripted: “A Shot Through The Heart (Handed To You By A Hand With No Body)”
This is what we call a Zinger! Cue Satan’s laugh track.
If The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Were Scripted: “There’s No Business Like Clothes Business or Let’s Admit Kim Relapsed”
KYLE’s style is a mix of generic tribal (the most offensive kind) meets generic Beverly Hills meets Elmer’s Glue meets rhinestones meets flammable.
If ‘The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills’ Were Scripted: “Game of Scones”
Why didn’t KYLE defend VANDERPUMP from CAMILLE’s statement that VANDY doesn’t actually own her restaurants. KYLE’s diplomacy tactic relies on throwing BRANDI under the bus with a sprinkle of “I used to be child actor” tears; VANDERPUMP’s not buying it, not even over a glass of rosé.
If 'The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills' Were Scripted: “Stars and Stripes”
At the mansion made of lemons, YOLANDA prepares lemons for her good friends KYLE, VANDERPUMP, and oh yeah, SUZANNE SOMERS.
If ‘The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills’ Were Scripted: “Vanderpump Rules”
At KYLE’s estate, she invites her connected Hollywood friend MARISA over to do a private yoga sesh in her backyard.
If ‘The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills’ Were Scripted: “Oh, Faye.”
The HOUSEWIVES arrive and the traditional festival of compliments and kisses commences. BRANDI wears a body suit that, if KYLE were to bump into her, would give her a face full of breast.
If ‘The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills’ Were Scripted: “She’s Gone Too Far”
Besides the filet mignon with goat cheese and tomato salad with cilantro vinaigrette being quite delicious and KYLE making KIM’s addiction about herself, things are uneventful.
If The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Were Scripted: “Girls Gone Ojai’ld!”
In the bathroom BRANDI consoles KIM while memories of the crystal meth remark linger in her now sober brain.
If The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Were Scripted: “Uh Oh, Somebody’s Crying!”
After a beautiful shot of the wine glasses on the long dinner table, KIM relinquishes her hostess powers and allows the women to sit where’er they desire. Little does she know her lack of leadership will allow for BRANDI to sit directly across from her. The UNIVERSE planned this.