Dante Table

Why do I care? Because as a rape survivor masculinity has always been something I struggle with. Studies have been done that show that we as male survivors don’t get assimilated into masculine culture because of our soul seared brands of victim.

Sex can’t show you any of those things. All it can do is express my want for your body, but it doesn’t show you my need for your intimacy.

Because loving you is hard, but hating you hurts. Because I fear for you. Because I want you to see yourself how I see you.

I hate to break the news to you, but you’re not as masculine as you think. I say this because your idea of masculinity is rooted in insecure dehumanizing behaviors.

Worn is the one who sleeps yet never rests. His dreams are a minefield of memories.

But they do not live in this body, they do not think with this mind, they do not see through these eyes.

For some odd reason, it is believed that men cannot be taken sexually against our will.

My entire life I thought that being selfish was synonymous with being a bad person. That if I ever did anything for myself then I wasn’t living up to my cultural or religious ideals.

4. “Someone has it worse than you.”

There I sat atop an obsidian-colored rock and stared out at the Volcano. It was amazing to think that this force of nature was actually alive, active and at any minute it could erupt.

I am not ashamed for my honesty. I am not afraid to be brave and speak about my experience with depression and with this night. It is a part of what has made me the understanding and mature individual that I am today.

I often find myself constantly scanning my environment. Checking. Looking. Seeking for danger or a threat or someone who could do bodily harm to me.