Let’s All Try And Do Less Ramen Noodle Sex

You know the kind I’m talking about. While you may not have ever heard of it being referred to that before, the name definitely does stand. And with that, the name definitely stands for longer than one night, unlike the act. This is because ramen noodle sex is, well, like a cup of ramen noodles. It doesn’t fill you up, not that great for you and honestly, it usually doesn’t last long. Yet somehow you always end up putting another cup under hot water (this is not a metaphor for shower sex, I’m way too clumsy for that. Plus, I feel like my Head & Shoulders dandruff shampoo might be a turn off – sponsorship, baby [jk, call me]!!).

It’s hard how easy (and at moments, immediately satisfying) both ramen noodles and its sex counterpoint is. Because let’s be real, after two or three drinks, the last thing you want to do when you get home is make a three course meal that involves like, cumin and kale (I’m admittedly not a cook, but I’m assuming those two things are in all fancy/healthy/intensive recipes). Ramen noodles, on the other hand, is fast, easy, and very forgettable. How often do you have a bowl of ramen noodles (or, for sake of the metaphor, someone else’s sex part in your mouth) and then immediately after are ready to forget it ever happened and take some Pepto-Bismol. Bonus points if you pretend to promise to yourself that from that moment on, you swear that you’re not going to eat any more ramen noodles until your chastity belt fits.

I feel that we think it’s so easy to make these seemingly innocent, easy and random hookups a main stay because they combine our two favorite things as millennials: minimal steps and immediate satisfaction. And while that might read as a reflection on the laziness of us, it’s quite the opposite – our brains are wired in such a way that we focus on multiple things throughout the day. Our Saturday morning cartoons were Air Played on a high-speed Internet. All of our products are connected together and work in constant harmony together (unless, like me, the Cloud is your second biggest enemy, bested only by thigh chafing). We like things quick and fast because it’s all we know. And with it influencing our personal and professional life, there was no chance for our sex life to walk away unaffected. It’s not the idea of dating or getting to know someone on a deeply personal level that scares us, it’s finding the time for it that sets our iCal’s in a panic.

And while I’m not saying to feel shame from your ramen noodles nights (honey, you’re listening to the king of fuck-o-noodles), I do think there is something to be said about looking for an actual meal of substance now and again (or if you’re like me, at least browsing for it on Seamless/Tinder). This is because you deserve more than only ramen noodles. You deserve cheese plate sex, eggplant parmigiana sex – hell, at least desk salad sex (with the dressing mixed in). By removing this type of coitus from the equation, you’re left with a much more meaningful (and fulfilling) job: finding someone you actually want to hook up with. What a concept!

Just like with preparing your own meal, it’s not going to be the easiest (or, in my opinion, a fun) activity – since when did everyone suddenly decide to love cooking?! – but you might learn something about yourself and people in the process. And if your relationship recipe gets burnt or undercooked, always remember – there’s another cook book, and another dating app out there for you. Plus, just like all good things someone ends up creating, the end result of both a chicken alfredo and relationship has one great thing in common: you can Instagram about it.

So take some baby steps, open your dating apps not just to get a laugh while drinking wine, but actually to take a chance on someone, and remember – good things come to those who wait. But don’t wait too long, ‘cause I mean, sex is awesome.