How To Be A B*tch

Make no mistake, there is a right and wrong way to go about being a bitch. While curse words fly and overdramatic hand gestures are made, etiquette does throw itself out the window just because you are telling someone where to literally and/or figuratively shove it.

It’s a fine line.

It’s, sometimes, impossible to determine.

But it does exist.

Having recently encountered an instance in which attempting to handle myself in the most acceptable bitchy way possible seemed about as difficult as shitting quietly in a bathroom stall after a four course Indian meal; I feel it is my obligation — nay, my duty — to pass my knowledge onto others. So take notes. Take heed. Take a Valium. Just make sure you take something away from this little gem so that when the time comes, and you’re reaching around your back to pull that perfectly-placed knife out, you do so in the most graceful — yet detrimental — way possible.

1. Be Brief.

There’s no reason to be long-winded. While your temper will be flaring and your emotions will be running on all cylinders, take a deep breath and try to relax. Formulate word structures as if you’re a Tetras master over and over in your vengeance-filled head before you attempt to formulate even an inkling of a sentence. Trust me, you won’t want your delivery or tone to be lost in a misplaced period or poorly constructed run-on sentence. Your words need to be dripping with the pain they have caused. Your syllables need to beat with every wrong they have committed. And you need to come across as sane, yet angry. Yes, it’s a far more difficult combination to master than it sounds.

Simultaneously, you need to be concise. There is no reason to be redundant. To drag your point on and on until your words are devoid of meaning. While you will want to pummel them into the pavement with every witty point and undeniable accusation; it is best to leave it be. Say what you have to say. Share what you have to share. Then be done with it. Turn your phone off. Flip it upside down and go have sex with your significant other. And leave. It. Alone. Let your words linger in their ears and stain the screens of their smartphones, while you start the heavy process of moving on.

2. Curse.

Yes, you read correctly. While some may believe words like “fuck”, “shit”, and “goddamnmotherfuckingdamn” are accents you should avoid, I wholeheartedly disagree. There is absolutely nothing wrong with emphasizing your point. While these words have a bad name and are incorrectly associated with ignorance and simplemindedness – they can serve a very specific and helpful purpose. Don’t use them to defile or name-call (you can’t be a classy bitch if you’re calling someone else a bitch). Don’t use them to stoop to levels you surpassed when you graduated elementary school. Just use them to highlight the pain you’ve felt. The wrong that has been done to you. And the need for both to #1: be addressed and #2: be avoided.

So for fuck’s sake. Throw in a good cuss word every now and then.

3. Play Fair.

In all actuality, you will know this individual rather well. If you are taking their actions and/or words personally, they’ve probably been a part of your life for a while. Or, at least, long enough for their cut to show tendons and broken bones. Which means you will be privy to their darkest secrets, their deepest of buried insecurities, and their shortcomings. Just as they are you. Don’t use that to your misguided advantage, as all that will do is make you the monster and them the poor and defenseless victim. Forget you ever knew them. Forget that one thing they said to you that one time that no one really knows. Forget their recent life-changes, their secret whispers, and their darkest hours.

Remember: everyone has them. Including you.

4. Be Discreet.

Make no mistake, no one really cares about this trivial tiff. There is absolutely no reason to act as if the social world gives a flying farmer’s you-know-what that you are fighting with your boyfriend. Your girlfriend. Your ex-boyfriend. Your ex-boyfriend. Your best friend. Or your ex-best friend. It is between the two of you, so keep it there. Nothing screams classless drama-queen like incisive gossip and over-exaggerated accusations. Nothing highlights your lack of a vibrant social life and/or promising prospects like a continually touched-upon instance.

Give your mutual friends a break. Let them off the hook. Don’t create uncomfortable instances for them in which they are in the middle of two fuming individuals, unable to take a sigh of relief or a breath of hate-less air. You are not the center of the universe, and neither is your drama.

5. Take Responsibility.

Like almost anything in this world, an open mind is the best weapon you can have when marching into battle. Especially after you’ve been wounded and spent a good while curled up on your couch-turned-infirmary. It takes two to mess up, so whatever they have done to wrong you — you did play a role. Large or small. Intentional or by complete and total accident. There was something you could have done to forgo what befell you. So, in the name of fairness, own up to your faults. Admit them. Highlight them. And know that without them, perhaps you two would not be sitting in your respective corners ready for round three.

You aren’t perfect. Neither are they. And whether or not they are willing to admit that, you are not them. So let your imperfection flag fly.

People are going to hurt you, especially those closest to you. Like so many are so quick to tell me; that is life. The best thing to do is stand up for yourself while simultaneously rolling with the punches. There is no reason to lay down and let your back become their dirty doormat. However, there is no reason to turn into a cracked-out Godzilla and verbally beat them within an inch of their scarce sanity.

So bitches, please, be nice. I promise you — that is strongest bitch you could possibly be.