Teacher Walks Around Elementary School in the Nude After Reaching “New Level of Enlightenment”

GEORGIA — This past Friday, a few days after hearing that his teaching contract wouldn’t be renewed, Harlan Porter, age 31, walked the halls of B.C. Haynie Elementary School without any clothes on.

Fortunately for the young teacher, this incident occurred after students had been dismissed; otherwise, he could have been charged with molestation, according to captain James Callaway of the Morrow Police Department.

According to the responding officer’s report:

I spoke with teachers that [sic] had been working at the time of the incident. They all stated that Porter did not drink sodas or any other canned beverages and maintained a strict vegan diet. He also was not known to use alcohol or take drugs of any type. However, on the date in question they noticed that he was drinking a Coke and had gone to Taco Bell to get tacos for lunch.

The report indicates that Porter conducted himself with restrained New Age poise throughout the whole incident and complied readily with the officer. When asked how he was doing, Porter replied, “I’m good.” By way of explanation for his nudity, he stated that he wanted everybody to be free now that his third eye was open and that he had reached “a new level of enlightenment.” The “third eye” here probably refers to the spiritually charged spot on one’s brow, but also takes on new significance in light of the fact that his dong was exposed.

The responding officer, realizing the potential for comedy, explained to Porter “the obvious problem with his third eye being opened in the public.” Porter “readily agreed that his decision to remove his clothing posed a problem.”

Upon further questioning, the officer found that Porter had neither consumed drugs or alcohol prior to the incident; simply, “he had just reached enlightenment and… he loved everybody.”

Porter also admitted to the officer that he knew his career in public education was over, but that he “wanted to teach on a new level, with hands in the earth, gathering the essence and learning how to love one another and fully appreciate the spiritual realm.”

The following Wednesday, Porter was released on bail for $2,000.