Some Things You’ll Never Know

What is love, after all? I whispered to myself while looking to the horizon, appreciating the red-ish orange of the sky. It was cold, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to be there, in the quiet, with a cup of tea keeping me warm. You know that moment when for just a second you forget there’s a world out there? There was only one thing in my mind… YOU! I know we’ve just met and you don’t know anything about my life, so I can’t even understand why I feel this way. I find myself daydreaming, imagining a platonic future that could never exist.

I remember the day we met like it was yesterday. I remember thinking “wow, why can’t I have a guy like that?” You smiled at me like you’d known me for a long time. I smiled back. It was instant. In that moment I knew I belonged to you. We talked for hours, and for the next few weeks we saw each other all the time. You’d always bring me a gift, a box of chocolates or a flower, making me feel like a princess.

I’d go to bed anticipating the next day, anticipating the moment I’d see you again. I hoped you felt the same way, that you enjoyed my company as much as I enjoyed yours, that you liked our long conversations, that you liked me…

That final night I went to bed prepared to tell you how I felt the next morning. I woke up with a huge smile and I put on my best perfume. I held in my hand a piece of paper with some words, just so I wouldn’t forget what to say. I got there and I saw you, and then I saw her. I don’t remember the rest, not what you said, not what she said or anything around me. It was all a blur. When I left, all I felt was the crumpled piece of paper in my hand, almost as a broken my heart.

I should’ve known… after all, someone like you could never be alone. There had to be someone, there always is. So I drove away and went home, I just needed time and space to think, to scream, to cry. What was I thinking? I’m not a little girl anymore. I let myself get lost in silly dreams. Was I even in love? I was so caught up in the idea of “you” that I didn’t think about the rest. Did I love you? And once again I go back to the question: what is love, after all?

I’m wondering what you’re doing right now. I wonder if she’s there? Maybe she is… or maybe you’re wondering what I am doing right now. If that’s the case, then know that I’m thinking about you. That it hurts not being able to see you, not being able to tell you that I want you, even if it’s just to talk or to feel like a princess again. Know that I may not have all the answers or know exactly how I feel, but one thing I’m certain, I do feel something.

I don’t know what I will do tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after that. I wish I could stop in time and not have to deal with the whirl of emotions that will come. So, for now I’ll be here, with my tea that got cold, the night that has arrived, collecting memories, feelings, emotions and words, that you will never know you caused.