10 Disturbing ‘Truths’ I Learned From Abstinence Only Sex Education

1. If you have sex before getting married you will get an STD. I got pizza, but maybe it was just beginners’ luck.

2. If you’re a woman and you have sex before marriage, you are worthless. Actually, you were spit in a cup. You were a dirty toothbrush. You were a rose without petals. You were a piece of tape that didn’t do the one thing it was designed to do: stick.

3. If you do have sex, you should definitely be ashamed of it and not discuss it with your future partner. If you aren’t a virgin, you shouldn’t be okay with it. You should always pretend to be a virgin. Even if you have one of those STDs your instructor mentioned a million times over.

4. You won’t like sex that much after you have it. If you’re a woman, you will get tired of sex. If you have sex before you’re married, you might even get tired of sex before you marry your husband. Then what’s he supposed to do? Talk to you?

5. Sex is a magical threesome between you, your partner (of the opposite sex, of course!), and Jesus. Jesus is the glue that’s holding this union together. He’s also the cinematographer filming your sins to be reviewed at a later date in The Pearly Gate Theatre, which is an exact replica of Hugh Hefner’s at the Playboy Mansion.

6. Condoms aren’t effective. Let me be more specific: they are zero percent effective. When you have sex before marriage, not even a condom can save you from hell fire. Oh, you meant from diseases and pregnancy? We aren’t legally obligated to tell you those stats.

7. Rape survivors are damaged goods. This is the part of the lecture when you’ll regret forging your mother’s signature to skip math class. The whole thing suddenly became less amusing when the lecturer referenced her daughter, a victim of rape, and followed it up by saying that it would be something her husband would unfortunately have to deal with.

8. People who have STDs have genitals that look like cauliflower. You’ve heard of “whiskey dick,” now get ready for “cauliflower dick.” The pictures were like a gallery of Google Images that resulted from a search for “worst case symptoms of all time.”

9. Your wedding night won’t be special if you have sex beforehand. So what if you marry your best friend in a celebration with friends and family, you had sex before marriage! What are you supposed to do on your wedding night? Watch Degrassi? Have sex, but not for the first time? Start a life with the person you love?? Bullshit!

10. You have to think for yourself because if you don’t, idiots will hire other idiots to come scare you. It is ultimately your choice. You want to have sex before marriage? Cool. You want to wait until marriage? Also cool. You want to hire a woman to come in and manipulate students with false information? Not cool. When I think about my superintendent standing outside of the library with his arms folded winking at us as we came out, a little chill goes up my spine.