21 Tom Haverford Quotes That Will Make You Want To Be His Best Friend
“I can’t keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian’s husband and his friends.”
“When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.”
“At the risk bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.”
“I have never taken the high road, but I tell other people to ’cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.”
“Yes, I’m married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven’t even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to both of us.”
“No, I don’t text her, ‘It was nice meeting you.’ I wait eight weeks and I text her, ‘What’s crackin?’”
“Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn’t notice.”
“I can’t keep referring to basketball players as Khloe Kardashian’s husband and his friends.”
“Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don’t have the heart to tell them what’s gonna happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.”
“Most people would say ‘the deets,’ but I say ‘the tails.’ Just another example of innovation.”
“Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.”
“I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word ‘bistro’ is classy as shit.”
“We had dinner last night and breakfast this morning. What were we doing in between? Sex stuff.”
“I have two questions for you. One, are you ready for the investment opportunity of a lifetime? And two, do any of you have pacemakers or a history of epilepsy?”
“This VIP card gives you exclusive access to the investment opportunity of a lifetime. Where? Multipurpose room F. When? 3 p.m. Dress code? Black tie optional. Just like life.”
“I’m like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it’s like, OK, he’s in there.”
“‘Zerts’ are what I call desserts. ‘Trée-trées’ are entrées. I call sandwiches ‘sammies,’ ‘sandoozles,’ or ‘Adam Sandlers.’ Air conditioners are ‘cool blasterz’ with a ‘z’ — I don’t know where that came from. I call cakes ‘big ol’ cookies.’ I call noodles ‘long-ass rice.’ Fried chicken is ‘fry-fry chicky-chick.’ Chicken parm is ‘chicky-chicky-parm-parm.’ Chicken cacciatore? ‘Chicky-cacc.’ I call eggs ‘pre-birds,’ or ‘future birds.’ Root beer is ‘super water.’ Tortillas are ‘bean blankets.’ And I call forks ‘food rakes.’”
“Every now and then, we have these little gatherings, and Leslie gets plastered. One time, I convinced her to try to fax someone a Fruit Roll-Up.”
“On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how pissed is he?”
“Think about how much better our friendship would be if we added ‘doing it’?”
“Twilight is dope. I couldn’t put it down. It was like she was peering into my soul.”
“Treat yo self.” 
