Why You Will Read This Bullshit Zodiac Article, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Aries

You want this article to help achieve your success. You want to learn some key insight about yourself that will allow you to rise above your opponents and become smarter and more skilled than you already are.

Taurus

You want to read this article to see something that will reaffirm you were right about everything. Stubborn until the end, you need to read an article that will vindicate everything you believe about yourself.

Gemini

You actually want to read this article to learn something new about yourself. Endlessly adaptable, you want some bullshit advice about how you can improve yourself, or learn something new about yourself to become even better than your present self.

Cancer

You want to read this article to reassure yourself that you won’t end up living a sad, lonely, solitary life.

Leo

You want to be validated for that time you totally acted like a dick toward someone (probably an ex), even though it was out of character. You think pretty highly of yourself, and you’re hoping this article will make you feel even higher (if that’s possible).

Virgo

You want to reconfirm that you are ABSOLUTELY the smartest person you’ve ever met, and then you want to post this article to your Facebook to #humblebrag to all your friends about it.

Libra

You want to read an article that will reassure you that you are doing okay. You are constantly hung up on the small stuff, and you just want to know you’re on the right track.

Scorpio

You’re reading this article to get insight on how well you’re hiding your latest secret. Be it emotional pain from a breakup, losing a job, or something bigger, you don’t want anybody to know.

Sagittarius

You want to know how long it will be until you ghost on your latest lover. You want an article to help convince you that you “just aren’t right” for your significant other, so you can ditch them and move on to the next thing.

Capricorn

You want to figure out how you can achieve power, fame and riches as fast as possible. Every moment you spend at anything but your fullest potential is a moment wasted.

Aquarius

You want an excuse to not change anything in your life. You want total validation on your current life, or at least a reminder that everything could be far worse if you dared to try something new.

Pisces

You want an excuse to ditch your plans and stay in tonight, and also a confirmation that your entrenched ideology / philosophy is totally the way to go.