5 Ways To Protect Yourself From Drunk Texting

Updated 11 years ago, March 13, 2014

I’m drunk and you’re sexy.
I’m not sure why you’re not in my bed right now.
Let’s build an igloo, practice curling, have a dog named Warhol, and make chocolate chip nutella pancakes with no pants every weekend.

These are some texts that I’ve sent or almost sent – while I had a little liquid courage. Since someone has a birthday coming up (it’s me), I figured I would write this mostly to give myself ideas. And if it helps out some other people, great! While there is no sure fire plan to prevent making an ass out of yourself through drunk texting, here are some tips I’ve accumulated.

1. Friend phone switch

This is as simple as taking your friends phone for the night, and you taking theirs. (Or if they aren’t getting as drunk, just give them yours.) Most likely, they won’t know 95% of the people in your phone. So they don’t care much what they say. This only works if they are trustworthy. Hell, none of these work if you can’t trust your friends. That way, you still have communication if shit goes down. And at the same time, you won’t be able to talk dirty to your boss, or facebook message angry letters to your ex’s new boo.

2. Friend filter

This is sort of like a ginger filter, but better. It’s by far my favorite tactic, and I use it A LOT. Find a fantastic friend, and every time you want to text that big crush of yours, text your friend instead. So now, when you wake up and freak out because you remember texting “I wanna climb you like a Sequoia,” it’s to your bestie; and not that legs all the way up hottie you probably shouldn’t be talking to like that quite yet….

3. Leave it

If you’re going out in a big group, think about leaving your phone at home or in the car. It’s sort of like phone abstinence….it’s not very likely, but it’s possible. It is the best protection after all.

4. Friend phone hide

This one is relatively simple. (As long as you remember when you hid it….) This works great for house parties, or Sara B wine drinking nights. You hide your friends phone, and they hide yours. Make sure you are sober when you hide theirs. That’s kind of the point…

5. Man up

Grow a pair and show some good old fashioned restraint. It will teach you to show restraint in other areas. If you can stop yourself from texting hotties when you’re drunk, you can pretty much do anything. Run a marathon, learn every line from Jurassic Park, trend on twitter, or write some thrilling engineering articles.

Everyone has slip ups, nobody is a texting angel. Sometimes your friends steal your phone and ask an interest if they are good enough to be in the olympics, and other times we send chess videos. Life is funny like that. Either way, own it. If it’s done, you can’t take it back. So try to use it to your advantage. Make yourself the butt of a joke, find a way to use it to your advantage. You’ll figure it out, I have faith in you!