To The Love I Wasn’t Ready For

First and foremost I want to start by saying I’m truly sorry I was not ready for you. I’m truly sorry that I was not able to accept the love you were more than willing to give me.

I’m sorry for the apology I never gave you when I said I wasn’t ready for you. I’m sorry for providing no explanation for the sudden pain I left upon you. I’m sorry for building you up, only to break you down once again like others from your past.

Most of all I’m sorry for convincing myself I was ready to love again.

I understand the pain I must have left upon you, because I too felt it just as badly as you from the moment I admitted I wasn’t ready for you. I thought I was ready for you.

I know I convinced you that you were the one for me. I even temporarily convinced myself. You see, sometimes the mind controls the heart and the confusion is too much of a blur to fully understand.

The happiness you initially brought me temporarily fulfilled the emptiness I suffered from my past heartache. When I met you, my insecurities were no longer and the troubles from my past seemed so far away.

They say time heals everything, but unfortunately time had not fully taken its course to heal me and soon enough, my insecurities returned once again and my troubling past came back to haunt me.

Before you came along, I was recovering. I was trying to understand how I could give my all to someone and it was still not enough for someone to stick around. I thought I finally had a grip on the understanding that perhaps you were the perfect solution to fix my problems.

I could see that you were relying on me to make you feel whole again. I have always wanted to be the reason for someones smile. I have always imagined that one day I would be just that. Someones happiness.

I have always searched for the perfect individual to make up for the flaws that I see in myself. Eventually, the pressure of needing to keep up with what I saw to be perfection in you was weighing down too heavily for me to maintain my balance and I fell. Hard. But not the type of fall you wanted. Needed.

You were perfect for me. That indeed was not a lie. I on the other hand was not perfect for you. In order for me to be what you needed, I had to learn to accept my own flaws in order for another individual to accept them too.

Although you were always willing to fully accept the baggage I carried with me, I was not ready to have you attempt to carry it. I was not ready for you to know my flaws existed. I was not ready to admit that my insecurities controlled my life and relationships in its entirety.

You were not the first person I had to walk away from without explanation. You were not the first person who I wouldn’t share my insecurities with. But, you were the first person who was willing to pick up the baggage that came along with me.

You were the first person that has come into my life in quite some time that recognized my insecurities. That recognized how badly I was hurting on the inside, even when I didn’t think it was showing. I noticed that you could see my flaws and how ashamed I was of them. That realization only made me want to get further away from you.

It hurt me to say goodbye.

It hurt me to think about what could have come from our growing relationship. I knew if I stayed, I would have only brought you more heartache in the long run.

I saw in you the kindest heart and the love you had to share with others. You did not see that in yourself and I wanted so badly to help you see in you what I could see.

So I built you up. I asked you to be vulnerable, to open up to me and to talk about your previous heartaches.

My intentions were never to hurt you.

My intentions were to set you free from the jail cell you kept yourself locked in all these years.

My intentions were to help you find your way back to yourself again.

You were a caretaker. You even took take care of me. Trust me, I definitely needed some taking care of, but I knew you too needed someone to take care of you. To give to you what I was not capable of providing at this point in my life.

I wanted to be the one you needed. I wanted to be the one who would see you find yourself again, because you were more than ready for that.

I hope one day when I cross your mind that you think of me and smile.

I hope you soon realize that my intentions were to guide you in the direction of something greater. Not in the sense of a better human being than myself, but in the sense of finding your way back to you.

I may not have been ready to be what you needed, but you were more than ready to love yourself again. Whole-heartedly. Unconditionally.

You were on the edge, practically falling, but too afraid to jump. Sometimes we all need that push.

You might not see it quite yet, but I too have felt the heartache of an individual not being ready for me. Not being ready for my love. So trust me when I say, I did this all for you, because you were always ready to love yourself once again.