Some Thoughts on the Impact of Four Loko

Four Loko has done a lot of good things for our world. For example, Four Loko was instrumental in scoring this guy his first threesome:

So me and my girl get 4 Four Loko’?s and have sum DTF girl comeover &? we got her drunk and some how got her to hav a threesome with us. My first girl Girl guy threesome (via LocoList).

Four Loko has also inspired several artists. Decades from now, art historians will likely draw parallels between Four Loko and absinthe. They might even call Four Loko “the absinthe of America” and maybe professors will ask their students to write essays comparing and contrasting Picasso’s early, absinthe inspired paintings with the work of Gwop Gang Muzik and Snack Theater.

Four Loco has inspired us sexually, artistically and brought the beautiful disaster of binge drinking to a new low, and a new high. Four Loko was a good thing.

But, of course, with all this good comes a lot of bad too. Four Loko has been killing teens and hospitalizing people. And because it is easy to place the ban on the beverage, opposed to irresponsible consumers, legislators are moving to ban it. It’s bad-for-you-drink and it must go, they say.

Kyran Jones, some random dude on YouTube, investigated the real dangers of Four Loko. He seems to conclude it’s really not that bad for you.

A few of his key findings:

• “It’s good. There is definitely a hint of watermelon, and perhaps just a dash of poison of some kind.”
• “But this is better than children’s Tylenol, because won’t children’s Tylenol erode your stomach if you drink it?”
• “Uh, the Four Loko experiment was a wild success. I think we have proven Four Loko is not as bad as it seems and you can still drink — four, five, twelve – and it doesn’t really matter… haha… it may work for you.”