How A Man Should Sleep With His Girlfriend

When a man is lying in bed, watching is girl disrobe after a fun night out on the town, he will crave her body as she unhooks her bra. If she looks suggestively at him as she slowly crawls into bed, he will crave her even more. He’s likely to make a move, devouring her lips and then tenderly caressing her body. If all goes well, this will lead to sex (that lasts for more than 5 minutes, hopefully).

But after sex, a conundrum that has long stumped couples presents itself: How to fall asleep comfortably while lying alongside another human in the same bed.

If a man truly loves his girl, it’s natural for him to want to cuddle her because he should enjoy being close to her. He may stroke her arm and playfully kiss her on the shoulder. He may hold her close, even as he stretches and shifts about. Once his body is aligned with hers, he will smile contentedly.

But a man can only spoon for so long. Eventually, he will want to roll over to the other side of the bed. It’s impossible to get a good night’s rest when you’re cuddling all night. In fact, being stuck cuddling can be the most frustrating thing ever. The limbs grow numb or start to ache, but as much as you yearn to adjust your body, you don’t want to risk waking up your sleeping angel. Albert Einstein once said “for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” Or was it Newton? One of those nerds said that, but I can’t quite remember which one. Anyway, the point is that whenever you fall asleep in the same bed as someone else, each time you shift your movement has an effect on the other party. And then there’s snoring to contend with. DEAR GOD. That will drive a person crazy. Snoring is incredibly annoying, especially when you need to get some rest because you have to go to work the next day.

So, without further ado, here’s my suggestion:

Tonight, make love to your woman. Hold her closely until both your bodies become the same temperature. Cuddle up with her afterwards. You may or may not fall asleep in that position. After a while, kiss her on the cheek and say “goodnight babes” and roll over to the other side of the bed. If she’s supposed to wake up at 6:00 am, set your alarm for 5:50 am. When the alarm goes off in the morning, roll back over to her, put your arm or your foot over her and enjoy ten minutes of magic—until it’s time to get ready for work. Yawn.