Christopher Hudspeth

LOW MAINTENANCE APPLEBEE’S = Half-priced appetizers.
SUPER CLASSY APPLEBEE’S = Lemon wedge on the rim of your water glass.

Sometimes you’ll be like, “HEY EVERYONE LET’S DO SUSHI AND DRINKS AND FUN STUFF TOMORROW NIGHT!” but then tomorrow night comes and you regret everything as you try to weasel your way out of plans that you created. You resent 24-Hours-Ago-You for being so enthusiastic.

It feels as if you had a menu in hand and anxiously, hungrily waited for 20-something years, then when the universe came over to take your order, you didn’t have the slightest clue what you want.

Sometimes we can’t just go to your barber. It’s like handing someone a hairbrush & fingernail polish and asking them to create a beautiful, detailed painting with it.

I saw a meme that says: “When a girl replies with ‘aww thanks’ it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone you just tried escaping from.” Nonsense or the truth?

1. Getting gypped on dipping sauces for your chicken nuggets.

Let’s settle this once and for all and answer the 10-year-old question, what’s the best Mean Girls quote of them all?

You’re not going to be able to get an entire, massive piece on your back or full arm sleeve in a half hour.

3. “Talking.” Not talking as in speaking, but “We’re talking,” talking.

GIVE ME ALL OF THE DRINKS AND GIVE ME THEM NOW! I’LL NEVER TURN DOWN, YES, THAT IS MY VOW!

1. The One That Insists On Arguing In Public.

There’s nothing worse than the person who pretends to wear their heart on their sleeve when they actually have an ace up it.