What Your Eating Habits Say About Your Love Life

In a way, you enjoy the fact that Cap’n Crunch painfully cuts the roof of your mouth.

You cosign every sentiment and sexual paradigm that Rihanna mentions in her music. All of ‘em. Whips & chains excite you. I think Chelsea Fagan said it best here:

don’t tell me i’m not into bdsm because the more cap’n crunch cuts up the roof of my mouth, the more i love it

— Chelsea Fagan (@Chelsea_Fagan) October 15, 2013

Habitually eating and burning your tongue on hot food.

When there’s an argument, you are the one who wants to fix it immediately. What are later? What even does talk in morning mean? WE WILL FIX IT NOW. You lack patience and want nourishment, or in this case resolve, and you want it right this second, despite the fact that it’d be logical to let the scalding hot situation cool off.

You double dip different flavored wings into the same cup of ranch.

Some may consider this a red flag, others might think of you as a flat out monster if you’re fusing honey BBQ, lemon pepper, teriyaki and hot wing sauce residue like everything is copacetic. There are some of you who don’t mind the blending of diverse wing flavors, and you’re the same people who perform various sexual acts in an order that you’d find surprising — to the point where some of you are like watching a porno backwards.

You eat things like handfuls of cake over the sink.

You are either very single or you have a partner who approves of this act, also known as a “keeper.”

You have no problem taking the last, coveted slice of pizza.

You are selfish but understandably so. You’re the person neglecting your relationship for work because you want to be great in your career. It’s like, man, you really suck at being a significant other lately but you’re also trying to be a huge success so it’s hard to criticize you. Eating the last slice without so much as courtesy checking if it’s cool with anyone nearby is comprehensible, but also pretty self-centered.

You lick the leftover cake batter off of the spoon.

All I’ll say is that the raw eggs in prebaked, gooey batter puts you at risk of salmonella, and if you’re willing to put that in your mouth, well that speaks volumes.

You give up on pistachios the instant they don’t open for you.

Y’know, sometimes inside of that tough exterior is a delicious treat or a hurt, but amazing person. If you only go for pistachios that give you the goods quickly, with shells that dang near open for you, you’d like people who are open books and willing to let you see any page between their front & back covers*. If you’re the determined person who’ll take the time to acquire a monkey wrench or Jaws of Life machine to get this thing to open, you can handle a guarded, somewhat shutdown person in real life.

*Not meant to sound sexual, even though it kind of does.

You don’t preheat the oven when making frozen TV dinners.

C’mon, you can’t just skip over directions and expect your Marie Callender Broccoli Florets & Potato Wedges to cook immaculately with your straight-to-the-point disregarding of the process. You are the person who doesn’t do foreplay, but skips straight to sex and then wonders why the food is still cold in the center.

You want to have your cake and eat it too.

You want to have your cake and eat it too.

You like breakfast for dinner sometimes.

You’re the type of person who asks your partner for some type of crazy sexual act and it’s not even your birthday. Like, this is a monotonous Wednesday and you want eggs, bacon AND pancakes at 5pm?!

You order for pickup.

When you want things in a relationship, you’re willing to go the extra mile to see that they happen.

You order delivery.

When you want things in the relationship you’re willing to put in a request and do whatever it takes if whatever it takes isn’t something more strenuous than getting up off of the couch. And even then, if you’re barefoot and the tile is cold when you walk to answer the delivery at the door, you’ll complain.

You don’t get toppings on soft serve ice cream or frozen yogurt.

The simple things, such as a swirl of vanilla bean or a loving, not flashy partner are adequate. The girl with crushed Oreos & Butterfingers on top, the guy with cookie dough chunks and sprinkle doused ice cream – they don’t faze you. You’re content in love without all the glitz & swankiness.