Chrissy Stockton

if unhappy is your default setting, other people can’t afford to be around you.

There’s basically a giant space ship at the bottom of the ocean.

God didn’t realize you were going to be a lesser person in advance and give you a tiny penis to identify you as such.

If some ability in men’s bodies went away after age 35 we sure as hell would a) have a cure by now and b) not shame them for wanting to discuss it.

There is no reason to know this information.

“I’m too old to be a professional athlete now”

He waited until his girlfriend was asleep and then did this:

Basic people talk about their neighbors all the freaking time!

Everything you know about your place in the universe and what will happen to your soul has gone has gone from snuggling comfortably on the couch in fuzzy PJs to, well, imagining that you may burn in hell if you are wrong.

Read Mindy Kaling’s Twitter feed.

This is how you felt about drugs in fifth grade, and this is how you feel now.

You’ve never said the phrase “you just set the women’s movement back 50 years.”

Outsource the most taxing chore of our time (deciding what to stream tonight) to this infographic.

You went to a liberal arts college and majored in something that people make jokes about.

Chick lit, makeup, pedicures, long bubble baths—these are some of the best parts about being alive. No one questions my manhood because I like to feel good and indulge in life’s little pleasures.

4. You go through a #dark mental space

Your ex is absolutely not an actual crazy person, and if she is, you should probably think of a kinder way to say it.

You could work your entire life to be happy and you will still never attain the level of unadulterated bliss a dog feels when you merely walk in the door.