Chrissy Stockton

1. You know where you stand.

A tuxedo shirt.

There will be people who move in with us and share the bed with us. They’ll be a best friend too. But it doesn’t mean you’re replaced.

Great beauty begins with great skin. If you’re going to do ONE thing to get great skin, it’s exfoliating.

“A man tried to break into my house while I hid, sobbing, with a knife.”

Sleep tight!

“It’s probably just like the day to day of any health care provider.”

1. They treat a waitress poorly.

But then the door to the house swings open. I can hear a struggle.

Thank you for your interest in a life free of pain. We are not accepting applications at this time. Please try again and again and again and again.

“He told me that there was a little boy named Charlie who lived in our house.”

“Barf me out.”

The one true supreme.

“Marriage is a bribe to make the housekeeper think she’s a householder.”

Genitals that are tucked up neatly inside your body rather than hanging precariously between your legs.

You may have noticed a trend in this list: all food in Minnesota is a shade of white.

No, not a journey necklace.

He looked me dead in the eye and said in a quiet, steady voice “All the better to stab you with.”