Theory: This Whole Season Of ‘The Bachelor’ Exists For Raven To Burn Her Ex

I also learned so much about orgasms from listening to women talk about this episode!

Updated 8 years ago, March 2, 2017

Rachel still hasn’t gone home! How fucking is it that ABC announced her as the bachelorette weeks ago and she’s still on the show like nothing has happened?

This week Andi Dorfman comes to Nick’s hotel room and they’re super awkward which is weird. I mean, they’re exes, but reality TV exes let’s be serious. And it’s been years! Andi tells Nick it’s going to be a whiskey kind of conversation but then just procedes to lob him softball questions until the producers force her to ask Nick if he’s going to have sex with all the girls in the upcoming fantasy suite dates (“probably”).

The most bizarre part is that Nick seems intent on showing off for Andi and grandstanding about how he might not choose any of the women. I’m sure whoever he picks will look back fondly on this episode!

Corinne

Corinne leaves and it’s such a let down. After all this time! She really grew on us and there’s no explanation for why Nick changed his mind about her, except we all know that even if Nick likes Corinne the most he’s too self-conscious to pick someone he doesn’t think other people would approve of. It’s hard to be too sad, because now we get her in Paradise!

Raven

This whole episode centered on Raven. It actually seems like this whole season maybe centers on Raven and is a giant ruse so that she can give her ex the ultimate burn on one of the most popular shows on Television. Every single person in Raven’s exes’ life is going to know that he’s bad at sex. Consider that. Wow.

I also learned so much about orgasms from listening to women talk about this episode! Originally, I was annoyed that Raven was putting too much pressure on the men in her life to figure out her sexuality for her, but I’ve since been informed that it’s not that simple. There are biological and mental differences that mean we probably can’t make a judgement about Raven’s orgasm status, which is probably a good thing to reserve judgement on anyway.

This week Raven and Nick had their fantasy suite date in Finland. They explored the outdoors and cuddled up next to a fire.

That’s it! No, seriously, that’s everything that happened in this entire dumb episode. Rachel and Vanessa are still there, somewhere. But we don’t get to see their dates until a two hour episode next week which is followed by another hour of the women tell all. Get your shit together ABC.