A Playlist For People Who Only Like Really Depressing Christmas Music
Depressing music is objectively the best kind of Christmas music. People who are listening to upbeat pop star covers of classics need to get with the program. This is a playlist for people who understand my truth. (Note that not all songs are intended to be depressing but anything can be depressing if you try hard enough).
https://open.spotify.com/user/1241280800/playlist/5y9yxuL3HMnojGVarhJQwi
Joni Mitchell — River
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAK9Pj5-QXY
Joni Mitchell is my #1 sad girl. If a guy doesn’t like Joni Mitchell I know opening up to him is going to be a big fat waste of time. You have to get her or you have to find another lunch table to sit at.
Blue Christmas — Johnny Cash
This is our anthem. This is our reason for the season. Who doesn’t want to lay in a sad pile on their couch staring at their Christmas tree in the dark and thinking about the person who’s most definitely not listening to Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You and thinking about you.
Believe in Me — fun.
A nice hit about how empty it feels to buy stuff for people because you’re supposed to buy stuff for people.
It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year — Martina Sorbara
Listen to this as you’re driving around in the dark and there are pretty lights and happy people outside your windows — but you’re feeling lonely and vaguely like nothing matters anyway.
O Holy Night — David Crowder Band
This is just the original hymn, but it’s always sounded very bleak to me despite it’s intended joyful tone. There’s something about it getting dark at 4:30pm every day and then listening to/singing a song about even more night that really takes me to that dark place inside.
All That I Want — The Weepies
This is a song about wanting someone and being alone, which is what all good Christmas music is about.
O Come, O Come Emmanuel — David Crowder Band
Another banger from your church hymnal covered by a depressing hipster worship band.
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas — Joshua Hyslop
Oh man, what a passive-aggressive wonder this song is. There’s nothing better to sulk to when you’re really stressing out about someone you’ve already told your friends you’re totally over.
Silent Night — Alexi Murdoch
A great song to get existentially restless to.
Silver Bells — Liam Titcomb
Play this on your way home from a Christmas party where you spent hours in the direct company of other human beings while actually feeling more alone than if you’d just stayed home.
Sleigh Bells — Relient K
A good rule of thumb for Christmas music is that when you hear the line Come on it’s lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you it needs to be painfully obvious that the line is wistful, not concretely suggestive. 
