6 Insults You Only Say If You Are Losing The Fight

1. You have a small dick

I mean, you either do or you do not but… so what?

Your biology doesn’t define you. God didn’t realize you were going to be a lesser person in advance and give you a tiny penis to identify you as such. It’s a meaningless physiological fact, it has no place in a fight.

2. You can’t get a boyfriend

As a female this just makes me LOL. To the discredit of gender relations today, it would be impossible for me not to understand that it would be very easy for me to get some loser to date me if I wanted. I’m not saying I could wake up tomorrow and marry a quality guy, I am saying that if I wanted to be in a relationship I could do it.

The worst people we know are in relationships. Ugly people are in relationships. Convicted murderers are in relationships with people they didn’t meet until after they became convicted murderers. The fact that you’re coupled is very meaningless.

It’s not a prize unless you argue about the quality of the person you are with.

3. You just need to get laid

See #2. Sex is the easy part!

Make fun of someone for being a serial dater and trading partners every year. If they genuinely get rejected based on their personality year after year–that seems much more like a personality flaw than asking me to suspend the reality that in 2013 it’s pretty easy to get someone to have sex with you–no matter who you are.

4. You’re fat/ugly

This means the person you’re insulting is so completely incorrect they suddenly got overweight?

Or, are you saying ugly people are incapable of making a coherent argument?

See #1. This is a biological/physiological fact. It doesn’t make their argument weaker, it doesn’t make them desperate for attention–I mean, you know nerds have a lot of sex, right?

5. You’re from bumfuck, nowhere

The Venn Diagram of your zip code and how great of an argument you just made are completely non-intersecting.

6. You didn’t go to college

As it turns out there is no magical prerequisite to being able to make a great argument.

Sure, there is a higher percentage of people who have studied how to make a great argument that are good at arguing, but that’s to be expected. Artists that study art are more likely to make beautiful things, but we still admire folk artists. Just because someone hasn’t had official training in a field, doesn’t mean they can’t speak about it. Actually, being able to see something with a beginner’s mind is a big bonus to people who are too close to their subject matter.