Moving On Without You

I knew it was going to be hard to leave you behind, but never did I think someone I knew for such a short time could hold such a large part of my heart.

When I made the hardest choice of my life to take an opportunity of a lifetime and move to Los Angeles I knew what I would be leaving behind; I knew the friendships I would be losing and the relationships I would be sacrificing. I knew I would have to leave you in Dallas, but even knowing that I didn’t think I would have to move on without you.

The time we spent together made me feel a way I never felt, it lifted my soul in a way I never knew existed, it warmed my heart like I never felt before — every second, laugh, smile, experience we shared made me feel whole.

After my dad died that year, I didn’t think I would ever be able to laugh that hard or smile that genuinely again. I don’t think I ever laughed as deeply, smiled as big, or felt as light and at peace as I did when we sat there together.

I will never forget the night I told you I got the job in LA, that all my hard work was paying off and I wanted to know what you thought I should do, and you told me that I would be an absolute idiot to pass this opportunity up again. You were right, as usual, but part of me, not that deep down wanted you to tell me to stay, that you want me to follow my dreams but you also didn’t want me to go.

You handed me a quarter and told me to flip it, you said “heads or tails” and told me to flip it, and I did and it landed on heads so I packed up my life and moved across the country to a state I had never been to, to a city I knew no one in and began a new journey that you wouldn’t be going on with me.

And the night that we went separate ways I felt part of my heart fall into my stomach, I felt the darkness that was lifted when we met come back over my soul, and I felt that smile you helped put on my face go away.

It’s been a few months since that night and it has gotten easier. I have found happiness in myself; a thing that you showed me how to do, to live my life the way I desire it to be talked about when I die, to not just talk about the experience but to create them. I spend my days telling stories, describing experiences of others’ lives, and you reminded me not to forget to create my own story.

I still think about you, more than I would like to admit, but the thoughts have grown to be less of pain and more of inspiration, to be less of wishing for you to be here with me and more of wishing I could tell you about being here. I don’t wish for us to still be together, but I do wish we were still friends.

Things will never be the same between us, and chances are we may never talk again and that’s your choice and I will respect it because thanks to you I have been able to find happiness in myself like I never have before.

You left me speechless when you agreed to go out with me, you left me speechless after our first date when we sat on the bridge talking till 3 AM, and after our first kiss, and every time I saw your smile or heard your laugh. You constantly left me speechless, because I never felt the way you made me feel.

And now that love is gone, that feeling we shared, and there is a piece of me missing but there is so much that you left with me and while I would love to experience this happiness with you I know that just isn’t possible anymore. This isn’t our journey anymore, this chapter doesn’t have your name in it and that’s okay.

While this chapter may not have you in it, the dedication will, because without you I never would’ve been able to be this happy on my own.

So thank you for reminding me to live life in the moment, to take chances, to go on the adventure and live my life to the fullest in every moment.

Because all we have are memories, and this moment is all there is.