Chris Backley

If these women are getting 100 messages a day, that means I have to be overwhelmingly charming for her to even just click through to read my profile

It’s amazing how many people write such generic profiles. Women always say the same three things: “Friends and family are really important to me.”

There are two things that always kept me from online dating: one was efficiency and the other was pride.

Katy Perry met Russell Brand by throwing a water bottle at his head and Olivia Wilde pursued Jason Sudeikis by sending him a piece of paper with her phone number on it that says “use it.” It’s okay to make a move.

It was always the bigger and more bold wizards she found appealing, the smaller and more reserved ones she found unsettling to her female “intuition.”

As much as I’d never admit it out loud, just between you, me, and the internet: I want a good “how we met” story. With online dating you don’t have that, you just exchange a few notes and then meet at a bar hoping the other one isn’t fat.

Remember when we used to have face-to-face communication with each other? You know, when you were able to read things like expressions and social cues? Well, we don’t do that anymore. What is this, 2007?

The siren. The garbage truck. The taxi accelerating. The kid laughing. The click of heels. The language of French and the language of “French.” The sound of a businessman yelling in to his iPhone. The Puerto Rican couple arguing about Facebook.

Cloning tiny versions of every Ticketmaster employee’s dog so then their dog can have its own dog, which is a miniature version of itself.

Your facial hair options are beard, mustache, or none. And if you are considering growing a soul patch, I think I heard Kate Upton’s ovaries shrivel up.

So what should you do to get both guys and girls attracted to you but not in a way that they will feel you’re a threat? One word: bangs. That’s right, guys will instantly be less sexually attracted to you and you will still have a hours of built in conversation with other women.

The insane thing is that we are asking because we actually want to get some sort of feedback from you. They actually expect you to respond earnestly and sincerely about how you feel. Totes cray cray, right?