Honest Away Messages

I’ve been hard at work on my doctoral dissertation, which is due in just a few months, and for the last few weeks, I’ve had a vacation responder up to that effect — even though I certainly have not been on vacation. At a certain point in the doctoral process, I was warned, you’re going to want to hang a sign on your digital door that politely informs people that you’re not a real human being right now. My automated response was fairly tame; it was upbeat and friendly, even though an honest vacation responder would have said, “Go away unless you want to get punched in the face” and ought to have included a gif of me hyperventilating. In the days after I handed in my most recent full draft, I seriously considered, “Thanks for your email. I just handed in a 205-page thesis draft, so I am drunk right now.” Here are some more honest vacation responders.

“Thanks for your email. I’m currently traveling and will have limited internet access and I am acting like it makes me feel liberated and independent even thought it honestly scares the pants off me because if I don’t have access to email and Facebook and Twitter and Instagram do I even exist anymore?”

“Thanks for your email. I am away from the office with a slight cold that I’m pretending is far more serious than it is because I slept with a co-worker last Friday night and am trying to avoid him.”

“Thanks for your email. I am out of the office with a slight cold that I’m telling my boss is a flu because I slept with a colleague last Friday night and want to avoid her.”

“If this is regarding an urgent matter, please contact my assistant, Katie, since she does most of my work for me anyway.”

“Thank you for your email. I am out of the office until the end of Sukkot because as far as management is concerned, I am very, very, very Jewish.”

“I apologize for any delay in response. I am currently on a week-long vacation in France, most of which will be spent listening to the French brag about how much they enjoy their six weeks of government-mandated vacation time. Connards.”

“Merci pour votre email. Je suis en vacances aux États-Unis pour les prochaines six semaines, dont la plupart sera passé en train d’ecouter les Américains se plaignent de leurs vacances courtes. Connards.”

“Thanks for your email. I am currently underslept, overanxious, and covered in vomit. I will answer your email when I return from maternity leave.”

“Thanks for your email. I am currently underslept, overanxious, and covered in vomit. I will answer your email when I return from Burning Man.”

“I am away from my desk right now on bereavement leave, but I’m not all that bereaved because, let’s face it, he was a mean son of a bitch.”

“Thanks for your email. I am currently at our competitor’s offices seeking a higher salary.”


“Thanks for your email. I gave notice five days ago and will be doing fuck all for the next nine.”

“Thank you for emailing Women for Women’s Equality for All Women. I am working from home today and can be reached at my personal email address: sexxxy_bitch_69@aol.com.”

“This is not an autoresponse. I just don’t want to answer your email.”

“Thank you for your email. I am at jury duty, where my subtle but sincere distrust of people of color will serve the prosecutor well.”

“Thank you for your email. I am currently in Argentina cheating on my wife.”

“Thank you for your email. I am currently in the conference room cheating on my wife.”

“I do not know how to turn off my vacation responder.”