Chelsea Fagan

But, unlike what Elmo, Oprah, and the Tumblr community would have you believe, we’re not all beautiful. Sure, we’re all “beautiful” in the abstract sense of the word, but in the scientific-facial-symmetry and babies-smile-at-pictures-of-you-in-weird-studies way, we’re not all equally good looking.

Anderson Cooper. The Silver Fox. Mr. Vanderbilt. Sex With A Side Part. However you refer to him — and all names are equally apt — there is no denying that Anderson Cooper’s appeal is one that transcends all age, gender, and reason.

But for people whom I barely know, people whose weddings I’m not attending, people who used to post cool videos of snakes molting or whatever and now only talk about fabric options — I implore you, get a grip.

And because of this, because of our insane obsession with people who happen to be thinner (or force themselves to be through a life of never knowing Nutella, God help them), we have somehow managed to concoct words that we can use to “address” the “interesting beauty” of a woman any bigger than, say, Adriana Lima.

Drawbacks: You will be kissing the lips that once kissed Zooey Deschanel. All the Clorox in the world won’t be able to scrub the twee off you.

There are some things I do that I feel like only loud, clumsy me stumbles into — and never the sexy, composed people who stare with a mixture of disdain and pity. Perhaps I am alone in this, or perhaps these things are shared, but either way, I wish I knew how to stop committing these sins.

We all have to get up and do stuff we don’t want to do — go to work, go to that math class we put off until the last possible semester, go to the post office, etc. — and we have all come to dread the heinous sounds of our various alarm clocks. However, there are some people who seem to rise with the birds, singing a beautiful song and praising the Sun Goddess or whatever the hell they do.

We would meet once every three months, have tea and crustless sandwiches (hell, you can even wear those big, floppy, Easter egg-colored hats if you want), and talk about that man who is no longer with us. And current girlfriends will be invited, too — it is important, in fact, that they come…

Although I stopped using it quite some time ago (upon moving to a part of the earth where it doesn’t really exist), I met guys on there; some I just talked to, some I went out with IRL. Though I no longer have it, if I found myself single-and-looking again, I would not hesitate to crank that bad boy back up and go fishing once more. This is why online dating is totally worth your time, and not just if you’re a recluse with a goiter.

I’m sorry, but a 50-year-old Asian man wearing a Paul Smith suit, a denim jacket, a mink stole, a Louis Vuitton backpack, Air Force Ones, and shutter shades–WHERE IS HE GOING?

In all seriousness though, what other profession would allow you to glorify your budding alcoholism, objectify the people that pass through your bedroom and your social group, and afford you walk-in closets full of the latest fashions? None!

In no alternate universe will the guy you want see that Death Cab quote on your Tumblr and say to himself, “Oh my god! ‘They thought it less like a lake, and more like a moat’? I LOVE HER, TOO!!!!”

But then the corner store turns into grabbing lunch, which turns into running a few errands, which turns into meeting a friend for a drink, and before I know it I catch myself in a reflective surface while out and about and I am wearing Uggs and black leggings.

You didn’t know it at the time, but you were in for a lifetime of being friendzoned and wearing Dockers. If you identified with Doug, you probably got relatively good grades and definitely weren’t a first-round draft pick for kickball.

He’s not that “Young Brad Pitt” kind of attractive, where they’re so good looking it’s like staring into the surface of the sun. No, Ryan has the sheepish grin and long features of someone you could actually see yourself kind of dating.

R&B is such a truly wonderful genre of music. The sheer, blinding earnestness of so many people trying not only to market sex itself, but how sexy they are as individuals, is something to be admired. It’s strange, almost surreal, watching so many grown men declare, insist, that they are incredible at the act of lovemaking…

I’m sorry, but no amount of love, no Leo and Kate or Jim and Pam or Carrie and Big love, could ever justify the unimaginable bullshit that is eating dinner on the same side of a cramped table.

I’m sure all of you have incredibly cool, exclusive, star-studded events that you’re going to tonight when you get off the afternoon shift at Wawa, but until that happens, you’re just going to have to ring up the peons for their snacks.