Chelsea Fagan

The profound effect of someone telling you that you can’t do something, that you’re not good enough, that you won’t make it, is one that ripples through time and nags at us even when we have, in fact, gotten what we set out for.

At some point between 1969 and 2012, uncomfortable nerds in high school got a hold of this headwear and decided “I’m not going to care about fashion whatsoever — in fact, I’m going to shun it entirely — but I will keep this one inappropriately dapper item to pair with all of my acrylic short-sleeve button-down shirts and cargo pants.

But there are the fears. And yes, life has gone on without you. And the longer you stay in your new home, the more profound those changes will become.

Mark even rang the bell today! How adorable! That will show Rooney Mara for rejecting him — bet she’s feeling pretty silly right now as ZuckZuck is wiping himself with gold bars and giving Fortune 500 companies the access codes to Zion.

God forbid we hurt a feeling or two, better we just completely annihilate the concept of competition altogether and then hold hands and sing about how different and special everyone is in their own way.

When we think about long-distance relationships, what do we think of? Probably two lovers who’ve been separated by school, work, or some other inconvenience and breathlessly await the few visits they’re granted every now and again.

In fact, sometimes we are so eager for that thrill of danger, of uncertainty, of desire, that we’ll search for and create problems where there are none. It’s as though our brains can’t comprehend that something can simply work, and that happiness is not just a wisp of smoke we’re meant to perpetually chase and never attain.

We have what are called “food deserts,” huge swaths of the country in which the options for dinner are fast food, fast food, or convenience store sticky bun.

It would be nice if we praised people for their ugliness — and called it what it was — because to slap some makeup on them for a photoshoot and make them passably attractive in order to celebrate their other accomplishments is ridiculous.

You want to be able to look back on it fondly and visit it often, but at least at this point in your life, you don’t want it to define you — and it does. The fact that you’re still there means you missed out on something, and no one knows that better than you do.

It’s not enough just to finally take that first step, you have to then write a dissertation on exactly why you did it and hand it out to everyone you’ve ever met.

It is a subtle but firm reminder that, at the end of the day, no matter what your job is: If you are a woman, your second job is to look good while doing it.

I often find myself thinking, “I’m so glad that Tim Burton chose to look at Helena every morning when he wakes up, because now we get the pleasure of doing it, too. He is truly doing the Lord’s work.”

Similar to the Taylor Swift school of “you’re only as good as your totally awesome virginity,” there exists this theory in rom coms that women are essentially passive ducks waiting to be tossed a few decent-sized bread crumbs (in the form of romantic attention).

It’s meant to be so inhumanely gorgeous that you actually quell your hunger a little bit just by osmosis through your eyeballs, and fight the temptation to lick the screen.

Want a person who is at least going to set up a toothbrush in their apartment to acknowledge your presence in their life? Stop dating the crunchy-vegan ass hat who doesn’t “believe” in “ownership” and thus bangs seven other people at the same time, much to your dismay.

There are even those who have transformed from party girl to sanctimonious mommy whose life is now “so meaningful,” all at the ripe old age of 24.

But it’s clearly possible for some people to take on this “que sera sera” attitude about life and all of the things that they have to wait for. There are those who actually come to enjoy delayed gratification, and maybe even catch a small buzz off of the anticipation.