Chelsea Fagan

Write a veritable essay of thoughts and feelings, receive a sparse “heh” or “lol” in return. Feel like a complete idiot every time you receive a response.

But as with the aforementioned Tina Feys and Zooey Deschanels, the slapstick “aren’t-I-such-a-geeky-weirdo” act is often only TV-ready if it is performed by someone who is, in all reality, very attractive and appealing to men.

But sometimes people say things that are so upsetting, or share opinions that make you feel downright dirty in associating with them personally.

We all know that tragic couple who is constantly having some Maury-esque fight, vowing never to speak to each other again, sleeping together a week later, and putting that relationship right back up on Facebook the next day.

In new apartments, in a school program, in relationships — even when the end is not perfectly clear, I am always acutely aware that there is an end, and that I won’t like it.

One day you should want a home, a spouse, a child, a dog — and you’re not sure that you want any of those things.

Somehow we can convince ourselves, at the beginning of June, that we’ll be fine when the end of August rolls around and it’s time to put things behind us. And yet, when that moment comes, we often start scrambling to make it work through the distance, the difficulty, and the new opportunities of the fall.

And in practice, we can be so cruel to teachers. Speaking personally, I went to middle and high schools where respect for authority wasn’t exactly at the top of the priority list. And even if the students weren’t throwing chairs at each other and/or the teacher, they likely still weren’t being decent.

11. Sat on a roof, drinking beer and watching the sun set behind the buildings, feeling like a living Instagram photo.

While it can be anything from someone moving to San Diego to a huge fight you cannot get past, friend breakups are terrible.

Spend a lot of time — too much time — looking at tickets online to go back as soon as possible. Think constantly about all the things you could be doing, the things you are missing out on, the people who are growing and changing and having nights out without you.

Has there ever been a man, in the history of recorded human civilization, who so fully and flawlessly embodied the nebbishy nerd sex appeal as Jeff Goldblum?

While we can often allow behavior (both on our part and those of our friends) in platonic relationships that we wouldn’t in romantic ones, it doesn’t mean that they can be any less damaging.

I just don’t understand why you don’t make it easier on us. Why, for example, do you insist on having fluorescent, overhead lighting?

When they say that “Real Women have curves,” they mean Sofia Vergara. They don’t mean overweight women, they don’t mean women with a flat chest and big butt, they don’t mean women with a big middle-section, they don’t mean women with boxy torsos.

The Triathlon: Saying you’re totally not going to go out, going out anyway, and proceeding to get way, way too drunk.

As fall approaches, my dreams are once again haunted by the imp-like spectre of Pumpkin Spice syrup, sending my every food and drink on an irresistible, sugar-filled Waltz of the Taste Buds.

Stop being interested in sex. Be repulsed by their touch, even when its offered only in kindness and comfort. Find yourself increasingly tense when you know that sex is expected, and nothing short of resentful at the implication that you should be having sex with them.