Chelsea Fagan

Creeping is an almost pointless endeavor if you don’t have a trusted friend to whom you can show your findings with attached commentary such as “OMG isn’t she so beautiful it’s so unfair!!” or “Look at how cute his old blog was!”

A decent chance that you will get scalding hot fries, the most punishingly beautiful sensation the body can experience.

There is a thin line between being “sexy” and being “slutty,” a man gets to arbitrarily decide it, and you are never to cross it.

11. He has a healthy relationship with going out, drinking, and socializing. He is neither completely dependent or absolutely uncomfortable with either of those things.

First of all, why in the world would anyone even step foot within 10 miles of a KFC when Popeye’s exists? Popeye’s is the Beyoncé to KFC’s Katy Perry — there is just no comparison, and one just looks sad when mentioned in the same sentence.

There are few things more truly upsetting than taking perfectly good leftovers and either tossing them out directly or letting them linger in the back of your refrigerator until they’re no longer edible.

Consider how gross these testers must be, even if you’re using a fresh applicator.

As the only two stages of a relationship in the Disney universe are “just met thirty seconds ago” and “married in some elaborate, My Super Sweet 16-esque wedding,” you’re probably coming up on the latter.

“It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a job secured yet, just move to New York. You’ll find something! It’s where everything is happening — you need to be there to really make the most out of your 20s.”

It’s here. The most beautiful trailer I have ever laid my eyes upon. It’s got it all — hot Marius, Broadway Eponine, the ubiquitous-yet-inoffensive Amanda Seyfried.

Take down that “taken” status on Facebook. Remove photographic evidence. Break the news to everyone, or at least those that don’t pre-empt you by texting you with a feverish, “OMG I SAW YOU BROKE UP WHAT HAPPENED BRUH?!?!”

6. A feeling of vague judgment from said married friends that you are not displaying any overt interest in having a ring put on it/putting a ring on it with anyone in particular.

If she is fat, I can’t help but think, what does that make me? What does that make the vast majority of women?

If you order fish filet sandwiches at fast food joints, you deserve every manner of STD that could ever befall you.

Oh my god, is there anything creepier — anything creepier in the entire universe — than calling your significant other “daddy?” No. The answer to that question is no.

5. Making your own pumpkin spice latte from scratch (though damn if you won’t look at it on the internet for 45 seconds and be like, “Damn, that’s sweet, I should do that”).

4. Having a complicated, bitter, occasionally joyous relationship with base makeup and concealer.

Some MRA off of Reddit (the only genre of man willing to make such egregious overtures in spite of zero reciprocal feelings) tries to get you to tolerate him enough to agree to a date and reward him for all his hard work and money spent on 1-800-Flowers with a round of reluctant sex.