Chelsea Fagan

The next few hours were the best kind of hours we have in life: A little soft music playing in the background, a generously full glass of wine to sip on, nothing immediately ahead of you except preparing and arranging your favorite kinds of food.

You’re not afraid of confrontation, you shine in interviews, and you have a knack at getting along with new people. When you are in control of the careening steam engine that is your loudness, there is nothing better.

But how are you going to go out there and drop 300 dollars on something that is clearly going to be out of style in no more than six months?

Miley Cyrus gets to be dragged through the mud as a “gross slut,” and that is fun. That is the downfall her story arc was always looking for.

“Does he make you come?” we would say, almost sheepishly, as though the idea of a regular female orgasm was some kind of a selfish expectation.

No, your eyes do not deceive you, that is indeed a CARDIGAN DRESS.

You have a mutual favorite movie or show that the two of you can quote down to the last line. Everyone has learned to hate your conversations that exist only between the two of you and are entirely comprised of quotes from said movie. It has basically become your second language.

Sometimes, you wonder if everyone is faking it, even the people who seem to have it all down to a science.

He has come to understand that the painfully restrained cool that is often passed off as a unique kind of virility is simply a way to smother the soul, to pretend that you are not a full human with a beating heart when you only have such limited time on this earth to be one.

So the management just puts a crappy bottle with a big markup in that slot, and everyone buys it.

And it is impossible not to notice how, when a man discusses his frustrations with the world at large, his personal life, or social injustices, he is not often met with blind accusations about how he’s simply upset because he is not in a relationship.

Deleting people off of Facebook who are constantly spouting off political or social stuff that makes you extremely upset, or feel personally attacked.

The tea party crowd whooped and applauded wildly as the little girl took her seat, head down.

A lot of people will talk vaguely about “supporting your local music scene,” or making an effort to listen to the bands who define the town you grew up in.

This is the account of an intelligent, lucid man who knew perfectly well what he was doing and did it with the intent of leaving a minimum amount of pain or confusion.

Is that something all 1,000 of the people you barely know need to be privy to? Is there nothing intimate about it?

From one certified sloth to another, eyyyyyyyyyyyy.

“Caring about someone can be so humiliating.”