It’s Not Real Girl Love Until You Pee Together

It has recently dawned on me that we do not discuss the complex, wonderful displays of woman-on-woman platonic love in this world. We talk all day about romance, courtship, dating, marriage, and everything that implies a more sexual relationship, but are quick to gloss over everything that goes into a girl friendship. And yet, these rituals are some of the most fascinating on the planet. To an outsider — or even to a woman who has never experienced it herself — the Girl Pee is a strange thing, especially if considered as a display of affection. But the love felt during a Girl Pee is so strong as to be almost indescribable. Almost.

First, one must understand the circumstances of the Girl Pee. As we have generally not been blessed with a protruding organ for indiscriminate public urination, we must find our own accommodations when not provided with a safe space in which to let loose. And even if we do have a toilet at our disposal, many of them are too crowded and/or in poor working order to facilitate an individual pee in tranquility. Sometimes, locks are broken. Sometimes, you need a lookout when you go on the side of the road. Sometimes, you just need to gossip about something whilst in the sanctity and privacy of the water closet. All of these and more are valid reasons to engage in the Girl Pee.

What’s incredible about this ritual, though, is how immediate and profound the bonding sensation is when two girls engage in it. You barely know this girl, you have only gone out a few times at most, and yet after a brief interlude of urinating while the other plays lookout or applies her makeup in the mirror, you just sense that she is a good one. She is trustworthy enough to have your back, chill enough to not mind seeing you half-naked/evacuating your bladder, and fun enough to leave right away to get another drink. It just says so much about her, you, and the closeness that both of you feel comfortable with. In many ways, it is one of the most intimate acts a platonic couple can engage in.

The uninitiated might be quick to label it as “lesbian” or “gross” or “weird,” but that only serves to display their ignorance. There is nothing inherently sexual about protecting another GirlBro while you have a discreet lil’ pee — it is simply a way to show that you care, and that you’re not concerned with keeping up any appearances. The two of you are down to be yourselves, and are not so petty as to consider it some odd, subverted display of sexual attraction.

So if you have a new girlfriend and are quickly developing serious friend feelings for her, you know how to put it to that ultimate test. Go to the bathroom, or off in that semi-hidden patch of bushes at the edge of the yard, and watch over each other with the care of a mother eagle as the other one has a piddle. Exchange your gossip, your confessions, and your unfiltered opinions (as can often only occur in the privacy of a pee zone), because you know that they will be safe. Revel in the fact that the relationship between two women can be just as interesting and novel and fulfilling as any other, and that our rituals may be strange, but they are uniquely ours.

Pee in tranquility. Pee in the pure, unadulterated joy of friendship. Pee with no fear of tomorrow, for you are safe tonight.