Now Accepting Friendship Applications

As you may remember, a few short months ago I used Thought Catalog as my makeshift soapbox to yell at the internet about my desire for a boyfriend. While it certainly ruffled a few particularly stuffy feathers, I actually received a startling number of actual applications. Formatted as I requested, and featuring everything from fresh-faced Harvard doctoral candidates to blurry photos of overweight, sweaty, naked men, they provided pleasant diversions and charming compliments for the next few weeks.

However, and not to disappoint the hordes of men here who no doubt pine for an acerbic, misogynist, arrogant redhead, I am now very much off the market. I know, I know, I’m sorry.

But fear not, for whether you are one of the aforementioned nerdy men who longs for me from afar (and would not mind subverting that love into an awkward, overly supportive friendship, as so many nerdy boys just love to do) or a down-ass bitch, I’d like you to be my new friend. While I have plenty now–even a few I’ve let into the crystallized, barbed-wire covered chambers of my heart–I would love to add a shiny new face to the collection. I can promise you that friendship with me will enrich and give meaning to your life in ways you never considered possible, and I am a firm proponent of nights spent watching/making fun of Real Sex and Cathouse and eating Pringles. Get at me.

You must be:

1. Able to be friends with a person of the opposite sex. Amongst my closest friends, you will find males and females. They all share similar characteristics–smart, interesting, funny, not an insufferable prick, etc. And it is based on these characteristics, not on the shape of their genitalia, that I have decided to become friends with them. People who say that men and women can’t be friends are idiots, and people who only befriend/ hang out with their own sex are depressing and socially retarded. Think about it: The guy who only hangs out with his bros and considers interaction with women as the unfortunate side effect of getting laid regularly, and the girl who has not met a situation that doesn’t merit a Sex and the City reference, watches a lot of Gilmore Girls, and puts quotes in her statuses about how “When you find a man worth your tears, he won’t make you cry,” are both horrendous people. I don’t know who hangs out with them, but I certainly won’t be there.

2. Not politically correct. Here’s the guy I don’t want you to be: The guy who talks about how something that is clearly hilarious is not allowed to be laughed at because it’s offensive to some group that he is working himself into a rich lather caring way too much about. I don’t care what you support or appreciate in life, just don’t be the kind of person who can’t take a joke or be realistic about things because your mushroom trip of a liberal ideology won’t let you see life for what it is. I understand everyone’s desire to assuage their own white/ rich/ American/ whatever guilt by taking up issues to the point where they can’t even hang, but I don’t need to constantly be policed by your Hurt Feelings Committee. If Soulja Boy gets to talk about the White Devil on his Facebook, I’m allowed to say Asian people never give a fair ratio of soy sauce to food ordered. Period.

3. Able to make the best of situations. I’m mostly looking at you here, ladies. You know those girls who stand in the corner of a party/ bar/ dance/ blood drive/ national conference on veteran’s benefits with a vodka cran in their hand, complaining and whispering to their vapid friends about how “completely over this whole thing” they so are? Of course you do, everyone does. That girl is everywhere, and will stay there long enough to let every person in the god damned room know how not into this she is right now. She will only participate as much as she can mock every single thing she witnesses and laugh derisively at the absolute losers actually having a good time. Yeah, she sucks to be around. On that same note, though, same goes for the obnoxious straight guys who refer to things they don’t like having to attend as “gay.” Now don’t get me wrong, they can call it “gay” or “retarded,” I don’t care. It’s not the implication of the word–it’s their need to assert that they are not participating in it, that they are far too much of a Man to learn to salsa dance or listen to this classical music or check out these ancient artifacts. We get it, you need to project your disinterest, lest anyone think for a millisecond that you are somewhat cultured. Frankly, anything that neanderthals like that refer to as “gay” automatically gains a touch of class/ intellectualism. Pretty soon their intended insult will come full circle and imply only positive things about whatever they’re describing.

4. Able to have fun without getting drunk. What is this point in some people’s lives where the only kind of socialization that they are able to engage in is the kind that involves paying 10 dollars for a glass of watered-down liquor and standing in circles looking at each other? Don’t get me wrong, I like getting drunk as much as the next person (and am all for drinking certain things for the taste), but I find myself incredibly bored with constantly getting hammered in order to stand each other. Things I like to do sober:

• Dance
• Have conversations that don’t end with “you know” and “I’m sorry but that’s just how I feeeeel”
• Go bowling (Shut up, that shit is awesome, and you can make your name on the little scoreboard all dirty! Tits McPenisboob just got a strike!!)
• Go for long walks
• Go swimming
• Listen to music and dance in front of my mirror
• Eat delicious meals I cooked with friends
• Drive

If you, too, occasionally like to interact with the people you’ve chosen to have in your life without drinking yourself into a messy stupor, give yourself a smug pat on the back and call me!

5. Able to keep your relationship problems under some degree of control. Look, I’m not perfect. I have had difficult moments in my relationships, and I’ve had a few breakups that were messier than others. I’ve been there. And yes, I have leaned on friends in moments of need/confusion, and I appreciate that. However, there is a vast difference between someone who is going through a seriously trying period in their love life and turns to friends for much-needed help and someone who goes through their entire life in a perpetual session of tearful makeup sex. I can’t deal with you crazy people who are constantly fighting endless, pointless battles just to have someone to scream at inside a car outside a party. If every lunch out with you is either convincing you to breakup with the physically abusive ex-con who’s banging your sister or watching you obsessively text the guy you’ve been sleeping with for 4 months who won’t call you his girlfriend, I don’t want to hang out with you. I don’t need to be friends with a walking Livejournal entry.

And now, a brief list of very specific behaviors I will not tolerate:

• Making your status one of those “repost if you agree!” things.
• Losing your shit when one little white girl goes missing while not even knowing how to spell Rwanda.
• Watching a YouTube video and writing a comment underneath with a quote from the video we all just watched…it’s like a kitten watching a video of a kitten playing with string and pawing, confusedly, at the screen.
• Saying, ever saying, I’m a [insert Sex and the City character here]!
• Not knowing what you want to order when the waiter comes, and instead of just telling him to give you a moment, making everyone awkwardly sit there and watch you while you peruse the menu, hemming and hawing. “And after the King has his meal, would he like the royal feet rubbed at the table or in the Lounge?”
• Being a woman.
• Telling everyone how much you don’t like dubstep.
• Saying “African-American.”
• Wearing harem pants. (WHAT ARE THOSE ABOMINATIONS?! The crotch is at your KNEES!)
• Spelling it “theatre.”

Well, that’s about it. If you think you can live up to these standards (and you can’t), feel free to send me your application. Again, Microsoft Word only. Have a nice day.