Charlie Shaw

In 2005 my father went to the doctor complaining of chest pain. The doctor assured him it was heartburn and sent him home with Tums and no further testing. My father came home and died of a heart attack later that day.

At the time I knew that his behavior was weird and not to go with him but I didn’t fully grasp the danger enough to be all that frightened. It turns out that the guy is a complete nut job and is now a known child molester. A few years ago some of his children brought him to court for severe physical and sexual abuse.

When I worked at Sam’s Club, during the madness one black Friday morning, we caught a woman stuffing the inside of her pants with frozen lobster tail. She would unpack them and throw the trash in a stack of tires that were on display.

A relative of mine is a nurse. One day she was doing a pelvic exam on a morbidly obese woman. She lifted up one of the lady’s fat rolls for some reason and under that roll was ho hos…. still in the wrapper. She shows the patient what she found and how does that patient react? The patient takes the ho hos from my relative and proceeds to eat them during the pelvic exam.

I saw J-Lo in the Bronx, she was with Ben Affleck and some other people in a Bodega. A teenage girl asked for her autograph and she said no. The girl said “Fuck you, your music is whack anyway.” J-Lo turned to the other people and said, “that’s why i don’t like coming back to this s**thole.”

My Great Grandfather was sent over to Prague at the end of WWII. He was working at a place that was cataloguing all of the stuff that was being pulled out of Hitler’s home when he and his buddies came across Hitler’s personal car, which he took out for a joyride. Pretty badass I think.

I thought that girls pee’d out of there butts until I was 12 because they always sat down to pee! Made sense at the time.

If your dude is a man child, then he’ll have grand ambitions, ambitions he mentions, sporadically and vaguely, while smoking a joint. And ambitions he has never once acted on.

I worked in a steak restaurant and my co worker lost her ID at the bar next door one night after work, one week later a girl came in and tried to order a drink from the bartender using my co workers ID. Busted!

Our company had a little person working in the head office.
She got fired because she hid inside a paper recycle bin and scared some employees.

“Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?”

Bill Murray stole $20 from me. Not in the sense that I saw a bad movie of his and decided he owed me for my time and money spent, but that he actually grabbed a $20 bill from my hand, put it in his pocket, said the words “no change” and went on his merry way.