Charlie Shaw

He knocked out his teeth, said he’s the antichrist and asked me to join his harem. I wish I were making that up.

A ghost lives in my laundry room. I was doing laundry one day when the clothesline moved on its own. Also, I was home by myself last week and the ghost kept opening the dryer door and slamming it, all day.

1. All girls look better without makeup.

A friend of mine got a message from a guy on Facebook saying he was looking for a high school friend with the same name as hers. He says he knows it’s not her but that she’s beautiful. They start talking, he lives in another state. They meet up, she ends up getting knocked up. Around 6 months into the pregnancy she finds out he is a serial killer, and is now in prison with a life sentence.

Accidentally saved my fathers number as my dealers number. Tried to buy weed from my dad.

I talked to a kid from my school that got caught planning to bomb us during an assembly. It’s sad because he was a nice and smart kid.

On one of our first dates, my wife and I decided to go to a park in Chicago just to walk around. After we left, we realized that we were not at the park we thought we were at, and we read the next day that there was an armed mugging at the park we thought we were at.

I went on a date once with a guy who intended to study mortuary science. He asked me how I’d feel about taking a cold bath before sex, and then staying very still throughout. I couldn’t get out of that car fast enough!

A friend of mine always tells the story of his encounter with Bill Murray. Whilst walking home from a near-by Dominoes pizza back to the house, Bill Murray comes up behind my friend, takes the pizza and runs away with it shouting “No one’s going to believe you!”

I work on a hospital unit that has a large amount of security cameras. One day, myself along with at least for other staff members witnessed one of our nurses walk off the unit, over to our meal cart (full of eaten trays), and proceed to eat from the scraps. She was stuffing food in her mouth and her pockets.

Living on the West Coast, my friend would show the East Coast feed of the NYE count down to her kiddos. They were always in bed by nine. Brilliant.

Rob Schneider goes down to Home Depot and pays the migrant workers to go to his house and choke him in the shower.