Charlie Shaw

“When you look at me a bunch of times but never when I look back, what does that mean exactly?”

“No matter how hard you try, you will never be ‘one of the guys,’ so don’t take it personally if you don’t get invited to some things.”

I joined one when I was a teen. I raised a large family in it. It was one of those traps that once you’re in you just can’t get out without chewing your leg off. After a lifetime in it, as in most cults, my family began to be attacked. As a mother I couldn’t stand by and watch.

Cremated cat inside a leather satchel, inside the vagina of an extremely obese woman. Cremated in her fireplace, still had some fur and bones. Kid you not.

“I can’t come in because my dad hasn’t washed my uniform.”

He came in the next day with a note from his dad. He was 21. Then fired.

Never built one, but I did find one in a house I was doing some plumbing work in once. This was an expensive condo, and they had a secret office that had a secret one-way mirror looking into the GUEST SHOWER.

My second grade teacher told me I was adopted. I was and did not know it up until then.

Their sneaky silent farts.

He gave me a picture of “him.” It was an old pic of him and his ex cut in half. He cut it right in front of me and put the other half back in his drawer.

Luckily at this point, he identified himself as a police officer and showed me a badge. I had delivered pizza into the middle of a drug raid!

You can even. Stop telling me you can’t.

It was Halloween so everyone was in costume. This one dude was dressed as jack sparrow. Cops come in and the guy, who was super hammered at this point stands right next to an open window and says “you’ll always remember this as the day you almost caught jack sparrow,” proceeds to jump out the second story window and break his leg.