Denying A Request To Connect on LinkedIn

First, an apology. Nearly five business days have passed since you sent your invitation, and I’m just getting back to you now. I do regret the delayed response, but I needed time to think this over as well as to craft a suitable riposte. I hope you understand.

Now then, for my answer: No, I will not join your professional network on LinkedIn.

There are several factors that led me to decline this invitation, but for our purposes, I will focus on those which most heavily influenced my decision. To begin with, I am simply not convinced that, at this point in our lives, we have any sort of connection or affiliation which would make it appropriate for me to include myself in your professional network—or for that matter, in any other networks to which you might belong. If I remember correctly, the last time we were in contact was when we were both in the seventh grade, at which point you and your family moved to another town. If we ever interacted at all, I have no memories of it. I do recall that you had some problems with acne, and that you were one of the first in our class to see Jurassic Park—which brought you a brief moment of popularity, however fleeting.

Consider: What if it turns out that you’ve grown up to become one of these disagreeable people who reek of raw sewage and openly play with themselves on the train? Or perhaps you’re the type who is constantly updating your profile with added skills, specialties and joined groups? These are precisely the sort of questionable connections that can ruin a person’s LinkedIn experience, and I’m not prepared to take the risk.

Also, I noticed something of a red flag when I examined your invitation, and I feel it needs to be addressed. You and I are former acquaintances, if that. And yet, in your request, you indicate that I am a “friend.” Are you such a sad, confused person that you genuinely consider us to be friends? Or, is this some kind of scheming attempt to forge a dubious professional connection based on fraudulent claims of friendship? If it’s the latter, I can only imagine what kind of corrupt, sordid ploy you had in mind when you attempted to lure me into this depraved network. In any case, I want nothing to do with it.

I will admit that I am curious as to what motivated you to contact me now, after all this time. So many years have passed; if I were to close my eyes, I doubt I’d be able to picture your face. In fact, I’ll try it right now, and sure enough…

Well this is interesting. Instead of your face, I’m seeing what appears to be thousands of… yes these are definitely dead wolves. My eyes are open now but the image remains. I didn’t know this many wolves even existed! If they weren’t an endangered species before, they certainly are after whatever happened here. The air is filled with the odor of death and there’s literally blood everywhere. Is any of this sounding familiar to you?

That’s strange; I just closed my eyes again, and this time I was able to picture your face immediately, with no dead wolves or ubiquitous blood or anything. False alarm I guess!

Anyway, thank you for the invitation, I suppose, but my answer is going to be a firm no. Best of luck with everything, and please do not attempt to contact me again.

Your “friend,”
Charlie