Chas Gillespie

Percent likelihoods based on qualitative interviews with cheated-on criers, mopers, sadsacks revenge-focused psychos, and unstoppable chocolate eaters who, like everybody, just want someone to love them for who they are with a kind of reckless abandon.

I still remember the day Lance Armstrong won his fourth Tour de France like it was yesterday. Although it might have been his fifth. It was late July or early August, and I was sitting at my computer at work, except this might have been the summer I was traveling.

I’m getting jar schooled, and recently I’ve been thinking about where to apply to college. But here I think you can see the crux of the problem. I don’t know what to write my admissions essay about.

Sample was 1,000 Americans ages 18-29, who were told that by participating, they would be entered to win either two free games of Big Buck Hunter and a drink on me, or adequate health insurance.

Use the self-checkout aisle of CVS in order to avoid the cashier who always for some reason sees you buying condoms and Twizzlers at the same time, before getting inside a monkey costume and freeballing it to the polls.

All foods containing more than 25% of your recommended daily saturated fat, 20% of your sodium, or refined starches will be labeled “Poison Pellets,” “Fat Patties,” or “Baby Carrots That Never Called or Even Texted Their Full-Length Parents in Their Past Life, So Got Reborn as Tostitos Scoops.”

Your girlfriend is really pretty. Is she the one with a shoe coming out of her ear? She has the cutest smile, and her non-smile is also cute. She has two heads. She has six arms and four torsos.

Unlike my opponent, who has spent years enshrined as a cog in our broken political machine, I got my experience in the private sector. An extremely private sector. I’m talking about my bedroom.