The Tuesday After Thanksgiving Shall Henceforth Be Known As “Steal Stuff Tuesday”

Thanksgiving, a Puritan holiday founded on the precepts of family, shopping, and leftovers, is the start of a beautiful, bitterly cold time of year filled with things dying and sales. But some of us feel a little left out of the holiday shopping joy. No Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, or Cyber Monday for us because we’re against them ethically, and we have no money. That’s why I, in conjunction with the Smart Consumer Action Network (SCAN), the No Cash But Still Having Fun Alliance (NCBSHFOK?), and the We Demand the Future Now Society (“Nate Silver”) are pleased to announce a new Post-Thanksgiving consumer holiday: Steal Shit Tuesday.

Instead of getting up early and waiting in line, or instead of getting up late and waiting in a longer line, or instead of sorting through hundreds of deals online, you enter a store, and you steal shit. You pick up that shit off the rack, and you steal it. 100% off. Now take that PlayStation controller out of your mouth and run like hell.

This new holiday has predictably encountered some resistance, mostly from holier-than-thou Yale Whiffenpoofs and idiots who don’t know the first thing about stealing shit. Business advocates claim that the day “promotes illegal acts of theft,” is “wrong,” and “does nothing to support the economy.”  Aren’t these the same “advocates” who “advocated” paying for shit that other time, too?  Look where that got us: poorer, older, and fixing our hair in the mirror on the sunglasses twirler inside a CVS, wondering what to bring to this gmailed-to-death potluck. Idiots.

Meanwhile, various American consumer rights groups are on our side. For example, the World Wildlife Fund thinks that Steal Shit Tuesday is “the perfect antidote for our pay-for-shit culture.” The Club of People Who Buy Things on Occasion, the Junior Cupcakes, Wisecracking Uncles, and Contestants Who Had a Negative Amount of Money Going into Final Jeopardy all agree: this Tuesday, steal shit.

Even some local businesses are beginning to come around. Levi’s and American Apparel wrote me initially to ask, “If you don’t be you, who will?” And now they are engaging in a risqué but chic skinpaign with exploding fireworks in the background and the tagline, “When you’ve got nothing left to believe in, believe in pants.”

I admit Steal Shit Tuesday isn’t all elephants and balloons. Some people might not “get it.” So if you steal some shit and give it to your boyfriend for Christmas, but he wants to return it for a shinier one, you might have to say, “I’m sorry Honey Bunny, My Little Egret Face; that’s not possible. But I’ll watch a little football with you to make you feel like less of a slob.” And if you steal a small electric shit, you should be careful because they’re going to want you to pay for an unlimited minutes family plan. Don’t do it, no matter how many times they smile and say, “It’s all up to you” while crying.

The fact is, stealing isn’t wrong. Originally, it wasn’t even one of the Ten Commandments. It only got put in there after some nerdhole jacked Moses’ iPod that had the killer playlist “Bring Da Funk.” Historically, stealing is about as benign as de-friending someone because they like their own pics of a kale salad.

So this holiday season, forget the lines, forget the hassle, and forget paying for shit. You’re better than that. You’re a criminal now.