A Helpful Guide To California’s 2012 Ballot Initiatives

Dear Citizen,

By registering to vote in the state of California, you have taken a crucial first step in making your out-of-state friends think you’re strange, wearing Ray-Bans, and have replaced logical thinking with a vast network of light jackets. But be sure to vote. And remember that what you do affects other states because the rest of the country will be watching our elections through the peephole on the California/Oregon border. To make your task easier, we at Secretary of State Deborah Brown’s office have put together this 147-page guide we expect you to memorize, or at least put inside a cantaloupe and call it brunch.

Proposition 41: Labeling Unhealthy Foods “Poison Pellets”

All foods containing more than 25% of your recommended daily saturated fat, 20% of your sodium, or refined starches will be labeled “Poison Pellets,” “Fat Patties,” or “Baby Carrots That Never Called or Even Texted Their Full-Length Parents in Their Past Life, So Got Reborn as Tostitos Scoops.”  Prop 41 further mandates that the following label be placed on these foods: “Warning: According to scientists and girls wearing glasses, the food you are about to consume will kill you, or at least make you sick and covered in crumb-addicted squirrels. Why do you do this to yourself? Do you need help? Like brain help? Maybe call a therapist. Do you think this food tastes good? Do you know what also tastes good? Dirt. In the ground. When you’re dead. Which will be soon, unless you start eating loose mosses and high-fiber twig cereal.” Argument for: It’s important that foods be transparent about their health effects and make you feel sad about yourself. Argument against: It will hurt the market share of greasy meat chews, drizzled icing stuff, and salted chip lonelies.

Proposition 42: Local Smog Reduction Statute

Prop 42 is a carbon tax on hobo fires. Hobos, vagabonds, street folk, and the rest of the rags enthusiasts in the 47% will need to pay an additional state tax of 3% if they wish to light fires in trash cans to stay warm and scare away hungry mountain lions with a history of pouncing on children and smaller mountain lions. However, this tax can be off-set if hobos purchase redwood forestland, beach towels for elephant seals, or pieces of the sun-baked Hellscape where endangered rattle snakes attack lost hikers (RIP Dad). Acceptable forms of payment include bus tickets worth $.55, half-eaten skateboards, and Pogs. Argument for: hobo fires contribute to smog, a blight that leads to asthma and frowny faces. Argument against: Without hobo fires, the poor may turn to less-wholesome ways of coming together, like karaoke.

Proposition 43: Mandatory Yoga

Introduced by some lonely dudes in NorCal who just want to see some girls’ shoulders every once in a while, Prop 43 would make yoga classes mandatory for attractive women. Attractiveness will be measured by this guy Eric, who operates in the borderland between overly-nice and creepy; and who has a great eye for facial symmetry, breast size, breast shape, and breast size. Said lonely dudes can then take these classes, and maybe meet some eligible women. Argument for: It would only be about one hour per week for a select portion of the population, and overall state happiness would increase significantly, especially for Eric. Argument against: While the ‘00s were all about hot yoga, the ‘10s seem to be about bitterly cold wind yoga, so girls’ shoulders won’t even be visible. Dudes just need to work a bit harder. Show some romance. Be spontaneous and fun. Stop talking about how you “revere Battlestar Galactica” and “invented Facebook.” You can do it!

Proposition 44: Temporary Tax on Rich Person Smugness

To fund the UC higher education system, which used to be the envy of the world, and which now looks like the uncleaned bathroom of some gross indie dive bar, Prop 44 would create a temporary tax on rich person smugness. Just to be clear, wealth would not be taxed. Only the smugness that wealth sometimes creates would be taxed. Statements that qualify include, “I got where I am only through personal effort,” “My doctor tells me I suffer from Perfect Face Syndrome, so plastic surgery wouldn’t really do anything,” and “I already do my share; even my Prius owns a Prius.” Argument for, written by a current UC student: We could needed the money so can learn to write burger, with professaurs who have time to teech us the fancy things; like in calcluss, how to math the graff of deritav slops. Argument against: Arrogant cocksnobbery has been an American pastime ever since George Washington asked Thomas Jefferson where he goes to get his wig powdered and his USS Constitution manscaped.

Proposition 45: A Constitutional Ban on Same-Sex Getting-Frozen-Yogurt-Together

Historically, except for the Greeks, same-sex couples have never openly gotten frozen yogurt together, and Prop 45 would codify this ban into law. Critics see Prop 45 as a transparent attempt to prevent same-sex couples from getting married if Prop 8 is repealed, because everyone knows that the first step toward any marriage is getting fro-yo together, and the second step is marriage. Argument for: The Bible rightly defines a frozen yogurt date as the union of one man, one woman, and one chilled swirl of congealed flavor crystals. The mere thought of two people of the same sex sharing joint custody over an ice-cold turd of textured dairy dregs is an abomination. Argument against: Everybody just needs to chill out and do whatever and not freak out all the time.  That and Prop 45 is bigoted nonsense mechanically stirred up by the ice cream lobby.