Chas Gillespie

The facts are confusing and messy, but vital to our understanding of what type of beings we are.

I received and read with great interest your manuscript for Walden: My Sexless Life Amongst the Bean Sprouts. Overall, really great stuff.

A lot of social and emotional growth occurs for students at universities due to the vibrancy of the communities, the separation from parents, becoming involved in different extra-curricular activities, and being surrounded by other people who are close in age to you.

You send forth a text through the great network in the sky to Greg. “Hey man can I borrow your printer? Maybe today or tomorrow? Thanks.” Proceed to 3.

Why are they all white? Why are they all the daughters of other celebrities? Why does Adam go from being a twisted freak to one of the most endearing, awesome characters on TV?

As Season 3 of Downton Abbey gets underway, let’s take a look back at what happened during the first two seasons. I’m Laura Linney, and this… is a Chas Gillespie summary of Downton Abbey.

Open your eyes, people. What do you see? Right now: me, spooning dish soap into my pits because I couldn’t find my deodorant.

It’s not stubble, but it’s not a full beard either. I don’t know whether it’s coming or going. Do you live in Brooklyn or something? That could be a problem.

What I loved about Clippy was his or her resilience, loyalty, and the fact that s/he didn’t judge me when, early in ninth grade, I typed into the box that said “What can I help you with?” the words “My mom buys my boxers still. Is that OK?”

A long, brutal winter that was the warmest on record had settled over the lands. Mothers were clutching their baby bjorns. Fathers were also clutching their baby bjorns, except they made an Adam Sandler movie about it.

I, in conjunction with the Smart Consumer Action Network (SCAN), the No Cash But Still Having Fun Alliance (NCBSHFOK?), and the We Demand the Future Now Society (“Nate Silver”) are pleased to announce a new Post-Thanksgiving consumer holiday.

Dirty realist literature (bagel receipt)

Percent likelihoods based on qualitative interviews with cheated-on criers, mopers, sadsacks revenge-focused psychos, and unstoppable chocolate eaters who, like everybody, just want someone to love them for who they are with a kind of reckless abandon.

I still remember the day Lance Armstrong won his fourth Tour de France like it was yesterday. Although it might have been his fifth. It was late July or early August, and I was sitting at my computer at work, except this might have been the summer I was traveling.

I’m getting jar schooled, and recently I’ve been thinking about where to apply to college. But here I think you can see the crux of the problem. I don’t know what to write my admissions essay about.

Sample was 1,000 Americans ages 18-29, who were told that by participating, they would be entered to win either two free games of Big Buck Hunter and a drink on me, or adequate health insurance.

Use the self-checkout aisle of CVS in order to avoid the cashier who always for some reason sees you buying condoms and Twizzlers at the same time, before getting inside a monkey costume and freeballing it to the polls.

All foods containing more than 25% of your recommended daily saturated fat, 20% of your sodium, or refined starches will be labeled “Poison Pellets,” “Fat Patties,” or “Baby Carrots That Never Called or Even Texted Their Full-Length Parents in Their Past Life, So Got Reborn as Tostitos Scoops.”