Christopher Hudspeth

How many times have you ever honestly felt the need to try to impress one of your close friend?

If you only go to the midnight, premiere showings, you’re a social butterfly who is attending not only for the film, but also for the energy of a packed theater. Enjoy jockeying for dominant position of that armrest with your neighbor.

Belated brunch is better than no brunch at all, so make sure she knows that she might not have anything to show for giving you birth right now, but some bagels and lox are rapidly approaching.

Don’t just hate stuff – vocalize your disdain for the restaurant, the food, the drinks, the prices, the temperature, the lighting, the other customers, the glasses, the plates, forks, knives, spoons and napkins.

When you meet, will there be a handshake or a hug? If it’s a hug, will it be like a full on bring it in chest smush, or a side shoulder, one arm type deal?

These recommendations are for the weekend: Friday May 3, 2013 thru Sunday May 5, 2013.

If Jesus and Debbi Fields had a prodigy baker child, it would be responsible for creating these heavenly (get it?) morsels.

In my room I have a Christmas Story novelty leg lamp resting on my plastic nightstand, which is why nobody is coming to me with their questions about diversifying bonds, financing a home and having a 401Ks.

Basically a plane ride for terrified flyers is a time to think up all of the scariest worst case scenarios, and believe they’re probably going to happen to you any second.

In no particular order.

10. Mild hallucinations are setting in. Did my puppy just mumble something about Cee Lo Green’s tiny hands and smile with a full set of human teeth?

3. Text message interpreter.

I won’t even begin to try to list the amazing things we’ve had the pleasure of watching Bryant do for all these years because I might run out of Internet.

2. Even if you’re not looking at inappropriate content, when a nosey person comes up behind you and stares at your screen, you get defensive. It feels a lot like if someone walked in the bathroom and watched your boyfriend/girlfriend get dressed.

Special shout out to pita wraps, foods on sticks, and spaghetti for also being incredibly delicious, but essentially impossible to eat without looking like a rabid animal.

1. Labels terrify some people and uncertainty terrifies others.

Maybe you find $5, or win a raffle, or get a Venti for the price of a Grande, or meet Rashida Jones or see Ben & Jerry’s on sale, and suddenly the tables have turned.

3. He’s fan friendly.