Sometimes The Universe Takes A Giant Dump On You

Sometimes the universe is just like, “Hey – is this a toilet? Oh, no, it’s [INSERT YOUR NAME HERE]’s life, but I’m going to take a dump on it anyway.” What can you do? Nothing, that’s what. Shit happens. Shit hits fans. Shit cray. I mean, we can shake it off and try to clean ourselves once it’s plopped on top of us, but we can’t necessarily set preventative measures for the unknown. It’s important to accept the fact that life has bowel movements, and on any given day it may choose to walk into the stall that is your existence, sit down, and clean out it’s system. Sometimes it’s routine, other times it’ll seem as if the universe is lactose intolerant and just ate three pounds of Taco Bell, washed down with a gallon of milk, then paid your life a visit.

It’s just the way things works. The yin and the yang – good things happen, so some bad things have to happen. Or the ying and the yang. Outkast’s music happened, so The Ying Yang Twins music had to happen. Seriously though, those guys created Wait (The Whisper Song), which speaks volumes — volumes that we had to turn up higher because the inaudible murmuring of the lyrics made it challenging to hear. Anyway, we shouldn’t be pessimists who expect the worst, but it also doesn’t hurt to recognize that you’re liable to be crapped on today, tomorrow or next Wednesday. The universe seems to have a lot of fiber on Wednesdays.

The key is to remind yourself that being submerged in doo-doo doesn’t mean you’re doo-doomed. Often times we confuse our own lack of effort with the cosmos being out to get us, when that isn’t necessarily the case. Yeah, your job may be a joke, you may be broke, your love life may be DOA – but that’s probably because you lie around watching Friends reruns. You might just be completely unproductive, meaning the universe isn’t at fault for any of your financial or relationship issues. Blame Rachel, blame Ross, or blame your passion for classic sitcoms with ensemble casts – just don’t point the finger at universe poop.

If you can be certain that the adversity you’re facing isn’t self-inflicted, that’s a whole different story. Sometimes problems truly are beyond our control and while that’s unfortunate, the solution never has been and will never be self-loathing. I’ll admit, sometimes a day of misery can feel pretty therapeutic. Turn on sad music, lie in bed until 3 P.M. – getting up only to raid the pantry and chow down on spoonfuls of stuff that’s intended to be spread on sliced bread. It can feel dejectedly satisfying, but we can’t make a habit out of it or we’ll remain immersed in those hardships.

Look, if nothing else, can we find comfort in the fact that everyone’s going to be dumped on in some way? The struggles you experience may not be as extreme as others, and usually there’s someone out there with a larger, grayer rain cloud hovering over them – so there’s that to be grateful for. If your car malfunctions or your Arrested Development DVDs get stolen or your apartment burns down, someone out there still has it worse. Plus, there’s always hope — maybe the Arrested Development DVDs were stolen before your apartment burned down, and they’re still somewhere in this world, possessed by a thief, but at least not amongst the ashes from the blaze.

Why me? Why you? Why us getting such tough treatment? We’re good people. Well, we’re not bad people. Not that bad at least. Okay, so even if we’re a little screwed up, there are definitely worse people out there. We haven’t murdered anyone, or tried to start a conversation with someone who’s wearing headphones, so why are we being punished?

Today you could lose a $100 bill and get hit by a bus. Today I could find that $100 bill and not get hit by a bus. You would be crapped on, I would be fortunate. Then, in the future, while on my way to buy some stuff with that c-note, a Lamborghini could drive by super fast and splash a puddle of filthy, brown water on me that ruins my clothes and damages my phone. You were the driver of that exotic vehicle, because the city bus that hit you previously, was forced to pay a massive lump sum. Now I’m dumped on and you’re the fortunate one. It’s the circle of crap, and we’re all living under it. 

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