9 Ways To Fake Being A Mature, Productive Adult

1. Update Social Networks With Important Sounding Statuses

Have you ever seen on TV and in movies when a kid sits on another kid’s shoulders wearing a huge coat, and they pretend to be a full-sized adult? That’s basically what this is, only we have the physical appearance of a grown up so we must imitate the responsibility and actions of one. If I say things like “Totally slammed today, tons of work!” or “Headed to a meeting,” it’s all for show. I’m not important and my lack of daily structure and constantly empty schedule exposes that.

When you write tweets and Facebook statuses, picture a self-glorified businessman walking hastily down the street and blurting stuff into his Bluetooth headset. What kind of things would a guy like that be saying? That’s what you want to present to the social media world – a busy, hands free headset donning version of yourself.

2. Invest In Furniture & Stuff That Isn’t Made Of Plastic Or Completely Ridiculous

In my room I have a Christmas Story novelty leg lamp resting on my plastic nightstand, which is why nobody is coming to me with their questions about diversifying bonds, financing a home and having a 401Ks. I look at that as a blessing, but if you want to be an adult who people take seriously, you’ll probably need furniture that isn’t made of flimsy plastic and lighting that isn’t from the Spencer’s Gifts collection. I know, it’s a lot more trouble to move and now you have to use things like clean it and use coasters, but it’ll give your home the physical appearance of an adult habitat.

3. Lose The Ringtones

When your phone is blaring 2 Live Crew’s Hoochie Mama, it’s a safe bet that it isn’t your business partner or a respectable colleague from work calling. The classic ‘ring’ sound does the job if you want the identity of the person on the other end of incoming calls to remain ambiguous. It also helps to answer with a traditional ‘hello,’ instead of a loud, “What up dawg!” as well.

4. Memorize One Or Two Smart Sayings, Then Use The Hell Out Of Them

There are going to be opportunities to pull these nuggets of brilliance out of your ass and impress onlookers, so find a couple of thought provoking, fancy-shmancy words from some philosopher and embed them in your brain for later use. At a party and having a toast? Tell everyone you’d like to say a few words, then bam, bust out with:

Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away.

Whoa, was that Shakespeare or Will Smith in Hitch? Neither — it was YOU, wowing everyone in attendance with your dazzling, grownup ways.

5. Bite Your Tongue

A crucial part of the whole adulthood thing is not getting involved in hostile confrontations, because ideally grown ups are able to use their words and intellect to resolve conflicts. Yes, that’s easier said than done, but making a conscious effort to talk things out peacefully or ignore petty nonsense earns a lot more adult points than screaming like a deranged, reality TV cast member seeking attention and camera time. Even if she annoys you or he’s kind of a tool, try to be cordial and find a way to respectfully express your disappointment in their existence.

6. Learn How To Prepare The Simplest Meals

As someone who has triggered the beeping of countless smoke detectors over the years, I understand how difficult making anything other than microwavable dinners can be. What comes in handy is knowing how to throw together two or three legitimate meals – you know, like stuff other than sandwiches. Spaghetti is always a cheap, easy candidate that doesn’t require Bobby Flay type abilities. Or you could just buy one of the world’s greatest inventions, the Foreman Grill, and eat various meat patties, breasts and tenders on the regular.

7. Grumble About Mature People Problems

“I can’t believe the terms and conditions of the new pension plan! That’s outrageous?” said the immature person masquerading as an adult. Your problems can’t be things like running out of Bud Light in the middle of a beer pong tournament or the terrible officiating in your intramural kickball league; they’ve got to be significant, important issues. Things like higher health insurance rates or watching your cholesterol.

8. Just Refrain From Doing That Ridiculous Thing You’re Feeling The Urge To Do

Don’t talk directly into that fan to alter your voice and make it sound all robot-y, stop pretending that your hands and fingers are guns as you make that “pew, pew” sound, quit humping things and making corny sex jokes – just try to hold back. From what I’ve adults are supposed to be somewhat appropriate in front of each other, so try to keep it PG-13, but also dull – think an Academy Award nominated film with excessive amounts of dialogue.

9. Own And Wear More Pants… Like, Actual Pant Pants

Jeans, Slacks, you know – pants that aren’t soft and tied with strings. Have them dry cleaned if you want to go the extra mile, creased pants will clearly define you not only as an adult, but a productive pne. Here’s the catch though — It’s not just about going out and buying said pants, you’ve actually got to actually wear them out in public. Clothes in general can be annoying, but pants are the prime offenders of discomfort via garments. Wear pants in front of people so they have visual proof that you do in fact get dressed occasionally.