What Your Bedtime Says About You

Yes, they say the early bird gets the worm but only if a productive night owl isn’t there to snatch it first.

Updated 6 years ago, February 23, 2019

8:00 PM or earlier

You’re my grandma? That, or you have some type of job that requires you to start shifts at 4 or 5 in the AM. Hmm, so you’re either a barista or my grandmother? It just seems like a person never willingly makes a habit of going to bed at 8 PM. Either work, school, or old age induced exhaustion are forcing you into a bedtime most of us haven’t seen since we were six, and our parents forced it upon us.

9:00-10:00 PM

This is still fairly early, but you’re a person who wants – no, who NEEDS a full eight hours or more. The only way to guarantee that is to cut the BS and hit the hay. You probably aren’t a huge television watcher, because it seems as if the best programs don’t typically begin ‘til 9 or so. How can you even think about sleeping without watching the newest Teen Mom 2 episode? HA, KIDDING kind of. Anyway, you probably have a lot of responsibilities, because otherwise you’d be like people whose Monday-Friday schedule consists of complete freedom — tons of internet, Netflix & Xbox, with absolutely no sleep structure.

11:00 PM

I know your current situation and I’m sorry that this happened to you. See, 11 PM sleepers are the in-betweeners. What that means is they aren’t going to sleep at the same time as your grandparents, but they ain’t hanging with the full-blown night owl’s either. These poor folks would love to be awake at 2, maybe 3 AM, but some form of responsibility requires them to choose a decent amount of sleep over a miserable time trying to wake up in the morning. Perhaps you stay awake to watch your favorite TV shows or what have you, then reluctantly you hit the hay. You probably find it hard to sleep and require scrolling through Instagram and Facebook, or playing some game on your phone until you’re sleepier.

12:00 AM

If you have school or a full-time job in the morning, I commend you on your ability to you wake up after what was probably right around or less than 8 hours of sleep. This is a great choice, really. You realize that nothing amazing or important really happens after midnight on weekdays. The bars are dead, your friends aren’t Tweeting, you’ve seen the same episode of SportsCenter twice, Facebook posts are dull, George Lopez is on Nick-at-Nite – staying awake just isn’t all that enticing. The bright side? If you’re having trouble sleeping, George Lopez is on Nick-at-Nite. That show packs the punch of 17 Extra Strength Tylenol PM tablets.

1:00 AM

You eat dinner late, anywhere from 9-11 PM, when many folks have already hit the REM sleep cycle. In actuality, you planned on going to bed at 11 or 12, but YouTube, a good book or some entertaining Facebook drama reeled you in, keeping you up later than anticipated. You probably have something obligating you to get sleep for tomorrow, otherwise you’d indulge in more time wasting festivities – which also says that you’re the semi-responsible-casual-procrastinator type. You do what you’ve got to do, but nonchalantly, often finishing things at the last minute.

2:00-3:00 AM

You always know the current memes, viral videos, hilarious GIFs and anything popular on the internet. One does not simply stay up into the wee hours of the night without browsing the web, so it’s natural to know all of these things. If you have classes or a job they probably aren’t until later in the day, or you don’t mind having hangover-esque difficulties waking up every single morning on insufficient sleep. You’re kind of my hero and I want to be you when I grow up.

4:00AM or later

You work overnight (stripper, stocker, stripper stalker, etc.) or you don’t work at all, which the rest of us envy you for. Not only do you possess the pop culture knowledge of a 2-3 AM-er, you probably have a creative mind yourself. At about 3AM, many people think, “Well, I’ve wandered to the eerie side of YouTube, it’s probably time to get some sleep,” but not you. You must be doing something artistic, whether it be writing, drawing, using Photoshop, editing film, etc. – these hours are reserved for crack heads and creative folks. Often times this is when an individual invents their finest work. Yes, they say the early bird gets the worm but only if a productive night owl isn’t there to snatch it first.