15 Features The iPhone 5 Should’ve Included

1. Siri Alternatives. It’d be nice to have the option of receiving assistance from someone other than Siri. Imagine Samuel L. Jackson, Morgan Freeman, Christopher Walken or Arnold Schwarzenegger handling Siri’s duties? Holding a conversation with an electronic device suddenly becomes a lot more enticing.

2. Texting While Driving Deterrence. Detecting that the user is simultaneously attempting to operate a vehicle and text, the iPhone 5 automatically types and sends a mass message containing the phrase “I’m an inconsiderate jackass,” to all saved contacts.

3. Drunk Mode. Requires the user to take and pass a Breathalyzer test to measure intoxication and eliminate alcohol-induced calls or text messages.

4. Rambler Recognition. There are fake call apps, but this would be an advanced, built-in feature. When plans have been recorded into the phone’s schedule, but a long-winded person is talking endlessly, risking the user’s punctuality — Rambler Recognition generates a vibration and ring, creating the illusion of an important call being received. A valuable tool if you don’t have a spare seven hours to listen to so-and-so tell you about I-seriously-don’t-care and Who-gives-a-sh-t’s amicable, yet dramatic breakup.

5. Generosity Camera. Lie to me. I don’t care if I look like Steve Urkel in real-life, make me Denzel Washington in the photograph. A special effect that adds ripped abs in shirtless pics, and removes background shower curtains (so nobody knows that you hold your own bathroom photo-shoots) would be a hit.

6. Fall Prevention. Maybe a beep or ring – anything to warn us of a bad balance or potential slip that’ll result in our beloved iPhone going for a tumble. Of course this wouldn’t be necessary if the next feature were installed…

7. Plexiglas Screen. I know it’s profitable to have fragile screens that will inevitably break, thus allowing Apple to charge folks an arm and a leg, but c’mon. An indestructible, scratch and shatter proof surface? Yes please. Also use stainless steel, titanium, or whatever a plane’s black box is made of to construct the rest of the phone.

8. Grim Reaper. If you’re driving down a road that’s hosted several accidents in the past few months or you’re walking in a neighborhood where stabbings and shootings occur more often than handshakes and hugs – Grim Reaper provides a bell “gong” sound, giving you fair warning that your chances of physical harm or death are alarmingly high.

9. Pant Zipper Monitor. It’d be nice to have our iPhone 5 notify us when it senses that our fly is down. A quick vibrate and notification could save the user a lot of embarrassment.

10. Man-Up Battery Mode. We’ve all experienced low battery on a busy night, or a time when it’s desperately needed. When the service logo pops up and the screen goes black as the battery officially dies, we typically don’t have a charger around. Man-Up battery mode is the extra juice, the slap to the face, the Pulp Fiction style shot of adrenaline to the heart that forces our weakened battery to fulfill its responsibilities and function for at least 15 extra minutes.

11. A Retractable Bottle Opener. This would so come in handy, who says no?

12. Edamame Bowl Identification. Because when out eating sushi, nothing sucks more than grabbing from the bowl holding saliva covered, bean-less pods. 

13. Life Soundtrack. Sensors in the iPhone 5 identify your mood and queue fitting music to play. For example, when you’re crying — a deep, perfectly off-key piano will begin to accompany those tears. It’s essentially a film score for your life.

14. Bad Decision Halter. Before you send those naked pics, the iPhone 5 is going to ask you multiple times if you’re absolutely certain that you want to send them. It scans and evaluates each photo, so the more it asks, the more you should probably reconsider.

15. Self Destruct Mode: The iPhone 5 should be counting down to the iPhone 6’s release date from the moment you turn it on. The day of the 6’s release, your elderly model should destroy itself, forcing you to upgrade. Nobody wants to be in possession of an outdated, obsolete technology. 10+ months from now, consider your iPhone 5 as valuable as plastic cup phones, and move on to the slimmer, faster, cooler, sleeker, better, awesome-r iPhone 6.